Today is the day to enjoy the human interest story.

I'm the One You Want

I pretended to be your best friend, but only because you had a nice house and a big TV and a cute brother. Then I went behind your back and told everybody when you got your period, even when you asked me not to.

I stood right in front of you at that concert, the one where you spent $80 for your ticket, dancing around, whipping my hair in your face and singing along badly.

I drive aggressively when you walk, walk slowly when you drive and ride my bicycle in the street when you’re driving in a hurry.

I called and hung up while you were having sex.  You got distracted beyond repair.

I bummed your last cigarette without even double-checking to see if you really minded.

I took your laundry out of the washing machine while it was still soapy.

I crinkled my cellophane at the movie theater. And at the opera, too.

I stole your parking space while you were going around the block.

I talked loudly on the phone when you really could have used a quiet ride on the bus and when I was done I cracked my gum.

I spilled my beer on you at the baseball game.

I brought MacDonald’s on the 5 o’ clock train.

I let the elevator door close in your face.

I walked right, stood left.

I snorted.

I picked.

I spit.

It’s me, standing right in front of you.  But before you do what you really want to do to me, say what you really want to say, take out your aggression and get your revenge, are you sure this is what you really want? Are we not civilized?  Will this really make you feel better? Haven’t you matured?  Or do you think that maybe this could just be a learning experience?  That I’ve made you a stronger person?  Can we not just forget about all this?  I didn’t do it on purpose.  Or if I did, we’re older now. You can let go, yes?

No? Oh, okay.