Today is the day to discover treasure.

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com, who is my mother, not me (or some famous author), is back with her particular brand of tough-love-focusing-on-the-love advice. Ask her a question, why don't you.

Mrs. Zulkey.com Knows What the Ladies Like

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com,

I have a hard time getting gifts for my wife, and her birthday is quickly coming up.

First of all, she has good taste, and my taste is...lacking. Secondly, she does the bills so if it is going to be a surprise it needs to be something that does not require a credit card.

And finally, she likes to return things, so I would prefer it if it is something difficult to return.

So you see the situation I am in. We have been married 8 years and I don't think I have ever given her a decent gift.

Thank You,

John

Dear John,

If you'd like to get your wife something impossible to return, just have it monogrammed or engraved. That doesn't mean she's going to like it. It just means she's going to be stuck with it. The trick is to find something she wants/needs/likes.

I am lucky to have a husband who is a genius at gift-giving, but it was only recently that I figured out his secret. His system might be called "variations on a theme" or more accurately, "more of the same." You, too, can become a great shopper, it only takes a little research on your part.

Take a look in your wife's closet. Do you get a sense of a predominant color? Does she seem to have a lot of black? That means she likes black. There's a reason there's no yellow in there - she doesn't like it. So buy her something in black. Does she have more slacks than skirts? There's a reason for it. She prefers slacks, get some. If you're going to do clothes, check the sizes on the items she wears most often. Also, check the labels. They will give you a lead on which designers or shops she likes. Don't buy her a silk scarf if you've never seen her wear one.

Now take a look in her jewelry box. More gold than silver things? Get her something in gold. Are most of the earrings the long, dangly kind? Get more of those. Check to see if they're clip-ons or for pierced ears.

Does she wear pajamas or nightgowns? Are they flannel, cotton or silk. Get more of the kind she already has. If she's not the Victoria's Secret type, forget it.

Does she wear a certain cologne? See if they carry other products in that same scent, like body lotion or a purse-sized flacon. Does she enjoy massages/pedicures? Get her a gift certificate from the very same salon she already patronizes.

What about reading material? Does she always read mysteries and biographies? Get more of those, best if by the same authors, not Louis L'Amour. Does she love "Arrested Development?" Get her the boxed set, don't foist Star Trek on her.

I think you're getting the drift.

So you see, success lies in not going out on a limb. Being original sometimes works, but given your track record, wouldn't you rather she be pleased than you be creative? One thing is absolutely crucial. What will really delight her is if you spend a little bit more on these things than she would herself. It tells her you think she deserves the finer things in life and should be just a little spoiled - by you.

If all this seems overwhelming to you just remember this: everyone looks good in diamonds. To mask your purchases, use the ATM.

Mrs. Zulkey