Today is the day to apologize publicly.

At the top of the "stupid news we use to distract ourselves from real news" list of this week is a discussion brought on by an article in the Chicago Tribune and picked up by the New York Times. A restaurant here in Chicago has a policy wherein children at the restaurant are required to behave. This is welcomed by many people, but several parents find this unfair, because, according to one parent, "kids scream and there is nothing you can do about it. What are we supposed to do, not enjoy ourselves at a cafe?"

In my opinion, though, this policy doesn't go far enough. As a selfish child-free person, I would like to see many more child policies installed to make my life more comfortable:

A No Snot Policy: Parents are required to spare me the discomfort of seeing crap all over their kids' face by teaching them how to use a kleenex as soon as they are able to master motor skills.

A Not Cute Policy: When their kid does something considered cute, parents are restricted from looking around the premises to take in other reactions to ensure that yes, their kid is the cutest ever.

A No Ugly Policy: Keep ugly kids inside.

An Invisible Policy: Parents should not think that I am mean for ignoring their kids when they stare at me or touch me, as opposed to interacting with them and acknowledging their precocious, adorable curiosity.

A Bald Girl Policy: I think bald baby girls are really funny and cute. I'd like to see more of those.

Fat Baby Policy: While childhood obesity is a serious issue, the fatter the baby, the more appealing it is. I don't want to see any more skinny babies.

A No-Looking-Lazy Policy: Do you know what I hate? At the end of a long day, schlepping to the bus stop, and I see some 5 year old kicking back and relaxing in a stroller. Not only should parents be stricter about not pushing around too-old kids, they should encourage their kids not to look smug as they get pushed around like some Roman emperer on a litter.