Today is the day to cancel your plans.

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com Will Give You Advice and Sort of Yell at You at the Same Time

Dear Mrs. Zulkey,

I have "good manners guilt." You see, Ma'am, I was raised right. My "friend," however, was raised "not right"---as we say here in Texas. I allowed an aquaintance of mine to live with me (gratis, no less), for five months. She brought along the annoying habits of being extremely filthy and a large slobbering dog whom succeeded in scratching up seven doors in my home. The damage cost me over $5,000.00 in repair. She also borrowed money from me, and stole expensive earrings from me while she lived here. She has since moved across country--- to Seattle. She continues to e-mail me and leave voice mails. I never want to see her again. Here's my question--- should I just continue to not respond? Or, should I send her a brief e-mail and tell her I'll see her in small claims court? It's been 3 months since she moved. Why hasn't she gotten the hint? What would you do? What would Claire do? My family/friends enjoy my anecdotes about this roommate, but have no practical advice about responding to her calls/ e-mails.

My sincere thanks for your practical advice.

Dear Texas,

Well, we have some issues with terminology here, don't we? You alternately refer to the person in question as an acquaintance, friend (in quotes) and roommate, making it difficult to determine your relationship. Whether this is one that goes way back or whether it was just one in passing makes something of a difference. It would explain how you got yourself into this situation and whether you could have anticipated these difficulties.

In any case, what she really was, while she was with you, was a houseguest. That made you her hostess. That's a whole different kettle of fish, can of worms, jar of pickles, (insert colorful Texas phrase here). And so, as her hostess, your obligation was to be graciously tolerant of minor peccadilloes. A broken glass? Don't worry about it, dear. Spilled red wine on the white carpet? Of course I wouldn't value my possessions more than our friendship. I'll just move the furniture around. But, as these transgressions got more numerous and serious your obligation was to move her and Fido along. It was so good to have you but I'm afraid I have to have my house back. Can I recommend a good hotel? Your continued hospitality despite her bad behavior prevents me from being more sympathetic towards your victimhood. I'd say the damage you incurred was the price you paid for your timidity and for the priceless anecdotes your friends/family enjoyed about her hijinks.

Now you want to end it. Who can blame you? What you need to do now is what you didn't do while she was with you, namely, nip it in the bud, stop the bleeding, call a halt to it (insert colorful Texas phrase here, too). E-mail was invented for communications like this. You write her a very brief note. You say, for example, that you have such memories of your time together they will always remain with you. However, you have so much on your plate right now you're sorry you won't be able to keep in touch for the foreseeable future. Period. That's it. This is a polite, transparent fiction even she will recognize. It's the friends' version of the relationship's it's not you, it's me passport to I'm outta here. I'm confident you Texans have an expression for it.