Today is the day to dump your girlfriend.

I will be off Friday, travelling. Enjoy your weekend.

Book By Its Cover Review: Serving as a Commentator on VH1 All Access: "Beach Bodies"

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this [standup comedian's name?]"

"Yes."

"This is Vh1."

"Oh hi!"

"Hi. We think we have a show that would be great for you to provide hilarious commentary on."

"Oh yeah? What is it? I love the '70's Part II? One Hit Wonders?"

"Um, actually, how do you feel about beach bodies?"

"As in celebrities on the beach, frolicking in swimsuits?"

"Yes."

"I feel quite strongly about that, actually."

"Yes?"

"Yes, I have a lot to say on the matter. Many jokes about fake breasts and 'banana hammocks.' I have admirable things to say about beach-ready bodies and derisive comments about not-so-beach-ready bodies."

"Are you sure? Because we're going to need a commitment. Do you really, truly care about beach bodies?"

"I have ever since I was little."

"That's excellent. Come down to the studios tomorrow for an interview. We'll also have to have you sign a non-competition waver, that you don't shill for any anti-beach-bodies shows in the meantime."

"I would never in a million years. Thank you for this opportunity. I've been waiting for so long."

"Gookay."

"What?"

"Sorry. I just accidentally combined 'Goodbye' and 'Okay.'"

"Can I mention that in my bit on the show?"

"Only if you can work it into beach bodies."

"It's a deal!"