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Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com Answers Your Horticultural Queries

Dear Claire's Mom,

Recently, I planted a flowerbox around the a tree in our parkway. It was pretty! And the two gerbera daisies (pink and peach) made it prettier still. Then three nights later, someone stole the daisies (already planted, remember) out of the flowerbox. I'm trying to decide whether I should replant anything, just let the violated flowerbox stand to remind the jerkwads of what they did, or to continue trying to find them on my daily walks with my dog. Then if I were to find them, my plan is to steal them back and have my dog pee on all of their other flowers. What do you think I should do?

P.S. Here's a picture so you can see what the terrible people did to my flowerbox. Please excuse the swearing.

Dear Fellow Gardener,

You poor thing! I'll bet you thought gardening was all about a floppy, weathered straw hat, a basket on your arm for your just-snipped blooms and other dainty somethings worn by the Duchess of Devonshire and the Garden Club set. Now you know otherwise.

Gardening is war, my friend.

You've jumped to the conclusion that your gerbera daisies (gerbera jamesonii) were stolen by a someONE. Not necessarily so. It might be a someTHING. I've watched the crows perch on the rim of my planters and eat up my hens and chicks (sempervivum). I've seen the squirrels snap off the buds of my magnolia tree (magnolia soulangeana) and dig up the tulip (tulipa) bulbs. The local rabbit population have been feasting on my hostas, et al. for years. Don't get me started on the invading armies of bugs. Or the deer! And, since you're a dog-owner, I can be frank. Those cats are up to no good, too.

So, in the big scheme of things, if your predator was two-legged (homo sapiens), you were lucky. He obviously only went for the really pretty flowers. You can easily deter him by planting uglier ones, like those hideous, stunty (sic), bad-smelling golden marigolds (tagetes). A more trendy, positive alternative would be some of those willowy grasses (e.g., chasmanthium latifolium). There are some neighborhoods here in the Chicago area that swear by the so-called permanent decoration (gaudium plasticus).

Now regarding the swearing: I'm a little out of touch. Were you referring to your use of the word "pee" (urina)? Or was it the term, "jerkwad" (stupidus)? I'm going to let it go this time, and chalk it up to garden war syndrome.

Mrs. Zulkey.com answers nearly any question you might have. She is my mom and knows nearly everything and thinks she knows it all. Send her your queries here.