Today is the day to wait.

I read this article in the New York Times about man-dates: when straight guys go out together. The reporter mentions the various protocol that must be observed: drinking wine is not preferred, but it's okay. Sharing a bottle of wine is forbidden. Candlelight and white tableclothes are not cool. Brunch is never all right.

Of course, these things are all okay if it's a man-woman date, or a homosexual date. But the article really fails to pick up on an often-ignored up-and-coming dining ritual: the man-ape date.

Here's what I've observed are some of the 'rules' of the man-ape date, from the guys I know who do it:

The ape may throw feces, but the man may not, unless the ape has insulted the man's favorite professional athletic team.

Bananas are always welcome, but sharing them bite by bite is a little weird.

The ape may check himself for mites and he may check the man, but if the man does it, it's totally homo.

The topic of evolution is never good dinner conversation. Opposable thumbs, however, is wide open.

Most guys make the mistake of thinking that apes think Jane Goodall is a cool chick, but often this is not the case.

The man must hold open the door for the ape. Never, however, may the man carry the ape in his arms or attempt to dress him in a diaper or pair of overalls. If the ape brings his own diaper/overalls, however, this is fine.