Today is the day to make a delicous sandwich.
Book By Its Cover Guest Reviewer: Matt
Wood
"The Pacifier"
My wife and I just had a baby, so we're all about James Dobson-approved family fare like this. In "The Pacifier," Vin Diesel breaks out of the barely-believable extreme athlete/secret agent/space criminal/street racing gang leader role he usually plays. Instead, he plays a Navy Seal assigned to babysit a bunch of kids whose government scientist father was recently killed. Vin has to protect the kids from their dad's enemies, who want to steal the top-secret experiment that is still in their house.
Nothing says hilarious like five fatherless children being cared for by a bumbling Navy Seal. Just the movie poster makes me want to see it-Vin with two babies slung over his shoulders, a pouting teenager, a pet duck-fantastic! I can't wait until the first diaper-changing scene where the baby pees in his face. Take that xXx!
But then again, "The Pacifier" just makes me sad. Those poor kids; it's not like Vin Diesel is "Kindergarten Cop"-era Arnold Schwarzeneggar. I mean, those kids had it made. Arnold was like the biggest action hero on the planet when he took over their classroom. Vin Diesel was The Iron Giant. And on top of that, Arnold has that adorable German accent to say things like "It's not a tumor." Vin Diesel just sounds like he spent the night gargling cigarette butts and embalming fluid. Plus, that "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" kid in "Kindergarten Cop" left some big shoes to fill. Try and top that, kids. Not a good career move.
Clearly Vin Diesel should have eased his way into this role by doing a movie
where he gets pregnant or beats up Sinbad for his kid's Christmas present.
This just looks desperate. At least Arnold knew how to protect his artistic
integrity.