Today is the day to touch a worm. Gross.

Steve D. Is too Important to Pay Attention to Deadlines but Here He Is Anyway

Hi, it's me, Steve D! And here we are again, on another week, at another Thursday. And you know what that means, don't you? Well, frankly, shut up -- that was a rhetorical question.

Before I get into this week's sure-to-be-a-winner, dy-no-mite sound off, I would like to thank everyone who wrote in last week with their own sound offs. Unfortunately, the key phrase there is "would like," as in, "I would like to have thanked everyone, but unfortunately, they collectively stunk worse than fourteen pounds of red hot spoiled yams." Well, if anything, I, Steve D., can consider this a test for the future, should I ever need anyone's assistance again. Now I'll know that no, I don't need anyone's assistance, ever again. Especially from the likes of those people.

Now that that's off my recently-electrolysized chest, I'd like to tell you a little something about what happened to me over Thanksgiving. Under the hot New Mexico sun, we were all as one again, the entire D. family, from Papa D. to Grandma D., and twenty-six of my twenty-eight cousins. Joyous the festivities, lively the conversations, and ecstatic was I. Not only was I happy to be home, but I was among the people who taught me how to sound off like a champion. Aunt D. sounded off on the price of collectable spoons. Cousin D. #14 sounded off on why hashbrowns are ruining the nation. And, at one point, I even heard Grandpa D., at 104 years young, bless his heart, sounding off on our entire family for being so ugly. Yes, it was a magical experience. Or would have been, had it not been for a non-D!

You see, Cousin D. #9 brought his girlfriend with him, a quiet little thing named Lucy or Bobby or Dana, or something obnoxious like that (I've since forced myself to forget ). At one point, as I made my conversational rounds, I came to her, and struck up a polite conversation, which went as such:

"Hi, I'm Steve D."

"Hi, Steve, I'm....blah, blah, blah. You know, I see your column every week on that website."

"The underwear one?"

"No, on that Zulkey thing."

"Oh yeah? What do you think?"

"Well, I'm not sure that I get it. You never really seem to sound off on anything."

"...." "It's just like you're getting ready to sound off on something and then you don't."

"...." "You say you'll sound off in the next column, but you...well, you never really do."

Well, I can tell you, I was beet red, miffed as can be at this disrespectful mess of a young lady. Never before have I been as insulted, nor as angry, as I was right then. I was a boiler plate of simmering rage, ready to burst in an electric hailstorm of fury. Unfortunately, I've run out of space here and can't tell you what happened.

Yours in Divine Anger,
Steve D.