Today is the day to drink 'enhanced' water.

Zulkey.com is taking the day off Monday for frolicking fun. See you on Tuesday. Tuesday, Tuesday...why did I think there was something I needed to do on Tuesday?

Today's interviewee has a longstanding and famed gossip column in the Village Voice, plus you're sure to recognize him from the cultural commentary shows on Vh1 and E! that I never, ever, ever watch.

The Michael Musto Interview: Just Under Twenty Questions

You're called up to contribute to a Vh1 "awesomely bad" show and you agree. What happens next? What is the process that delivers us the delicious little sound bites?
They generally send over reseach material, which I read while coming up with observations and bon mots. Naturally, my whole life has already been spent researching show biz minutae, so I'm pretty well prepared. When you get to
the interview, the producer asks you pointed questions that draw those hilarious remarks out of you. Then you wait a few weeks to see the show and see how dazzlingly witty (or not) you look.

You've contributed to several books, but we see a solo effort or a column compilation from you in the future?
For years, I've pushed the idea of a column compilation book mainly because it would be easy--I could just staple 'em all together. But publishers have been resistent, feeling the material dates. In that case, I don't want to do a book at all. The column garners instant gratification and is rewarding
enough.

Where would you live if you didn't live in New York? Nowhere. I can't drive, so I can only live in New York, which is fine with me. Anywhere else, I'd be lynched on sight.

As a fan of musicals, what do you make of the trends of musicals featuring tunes by pop stars (Abba, Billy Joel, Queen) or based on movies (Spamalot, Hairspray, the Producers)?
I think it shows a paucity of imagination and I wonder where it'll end--a show devoted to the music of Charlene ("I've Never Been to Me")? A musical version of Gigli? Actually, I'd buy tickets for both of those.

What makes a (large) party a good one?
A separate room where I can be alone.

How long have you been writing the column for the Voice? Have changing times and editors made it evolve, or have you pretty much kept it under your own control?
I've been here almost 20 years, but amazingly, I still don't get
bossed and bullied or told what to do. There's tremendous freedom, which is quite liberating and cathartic, and I've yet to find it anywhere else. I might even geta gold watch.

Is blogging affecting the newspaper gossip business?
It is, because bloggers can instantaneously post their snarky
opinions on everything and they link news too, so it pushes everything forward and makes the media whirl move faster. My commentary comes out a whole week later, so I have to work harder to make it special and worth it (even though it's free).

For those of us who don't have HBO, what were some of the thoughts you contributed to "Thinking XXX"?
I contribute three sound bites: "Everyone likes to fuck and watch people fuck..."; "Porn stars don't always make a great living so they have to merchandise themselves and tour..."; and "Porn stars have become more accepted because blah blah blah"

You're an avid bicyclist. I am an avid car driver. Sometimes a bike rider will get mad at me for following street rules (stopping at a stop sign, then proceeding) when it interferes with him (flying through a stop sign.) While he is giving me the finger, is there a snappier way to say "Hey, you have to observe traffic rules too"?
Bike riders (except me) don't listen to logic. Everyone always tells me, "How can you ride a bike? Isn't it dangerous?" Yeah--mainly because of other bike riders. They go through lights, ride the wrong way, and generally feel they're above the law. Next time you should just deatch their front wheel when they're not looking.

According to another interview I read with you, you get pissed off by "Closeted male celebs who bring female dates to accept GLAAD awards". How come gossip columnists don't out celebrities more?
They do! They just outed Cynthia Nixon! In fact, in the old days, I used to be the only one screaming at people like Rosie O'Donnell, but now everyone's getting into the act. It's a good thing that columnists don't make homosexuality their last taboo anymore. But I wish the columnists themselves would come out too.

Speaking of which, is Paris Hilton bi, in your opinion, or does she just like making out with chicks for the attention?
I don't think she's bi, I think she's a full-fledged dyke.

Look into your crystal ball: what kind of year do you think Paris Poo will have in the '05?
With her parents both getting reality shows as well, I believe the TV set will explode and the Hilton clan will be lodged in parts of all of our apartments. They will then be reassembled intoa theme park in Orlando.

Why are there times when columnists give us the names of the offenders, and why are we given blind items?
With blind items, you know it's true, but don't necessarily have the physical evidence--like the X-rays of the gerbil--to prove it in court. So you make it a teasing, guessing game and the crowd loves it!

Can you give us some names that are answers to random blind items, without giving us the items? Please?
Courtney Love, Courtney Love, Courtney Love.

What's your favorite gossip story of the year so far?
The Ashlee Simson story because the blame keeps shifting. First it was the band's fault, then it was "acid reflux." Never did she say the immortal words, "I just can't sing!"

How is Miami fashion week different from New York fashion week? (I sadly have been a part of no fashion week, unless you count back when I was a kid and it was that week where you got new clothes for school.)
They allow anyone to pay $20 to come see the shows, so you get some really interested spectators, not just bored journalists. Also, the models are apparently allowed to cut up on the runway rather than just do that constipated strut, so they flash and cavort and have fun.It's contagious.

Do you ever feel overdosed on pop culture? What do you do to detox?
Yeah, there are times I can't stand to hear the words "Hilton" or "Simpson" ever again, so I turn to the National Geographic channel and watch hyenas rip the necks off antelopes. Then I'm ready to come back.

How does it feel to be the 108th interviewee for Zulkey.com?
I'm thrilled to be in the top 500.

There are more interviews here.