Another Installment of Zulkey.com's Lives of the Saints

Of course it makes sense, this week, to explore the background of one St. Helen.

St. Helen was a 15th century nun, born in what used to be known as Prussia, who relocated to Washington State, due to her love of gourmet coffee and the musical stylings of Pearl Jam.

St. Helen was known for her duty, piety and extreme bad temper. Interrupt one of her flagellation sessions or change money in the temple, and you'd bear witness to her trademark, unfortunately hilarious expression of steam pouring out of her ears.

The church ultimately canonized her partially due to a miracle, and partially due to fear. Legend has it that one day, the king or duke or whoever was ruling Washington State at the time, decided to start pushing around Christians. One of his soldiers came up to St. Helen, who was loitering in the street, and said "Move it, sister."

"Screw you," she screamed, and then promptly her head blew off and liquid hot magma poured from her neck. The soldier was killed in a mountain of ash (later a perfectly preserved shape of his body was studied extensively by grade-school students.)

"Whoah, that was weird," said the Pope. "Better maker her a saint before her ghost comes back and haunts us."

Then they named a mountain after her, because I forgot to mention, she was also really big.

The End.