September 23, 2004

Today is the day to refuse to wipe down the machines.

Hey! Thanks so much to the people at New City for listing this as "Best Local Blog," in its Best of Chicago issue (czech out page 11.) It makes my good eye cry.

Dr. Luv Provides 11th-Hour Advice

Thankfully, somebody listened to last week's plea to send in relationship/love queries to my love columnist, Luvvie Smalls. It behooves you to write in as well because she can help your sorry ass. And if you come to Chicago ever, you might get to meet her and I can prove to you that she is really not me. She might even dance with you but I cannot promise anything. So send her a question today!

Dear Dr. Luv,

I am hoping that you can give me some advice about how to handle being hit on while at work. On the one
hand, I do not want to incur bad dating karma by
rebuffing people who are actually interested in going
out with me. Ever since that fateful evening when I
suddenly became less hot than Olympic synchronized
swimming, {editor's note: One recent Friday evening at
a local bar, a tube top-clad Dr. Hot Pants mistakenly
thought a group of young men was looking at her, when
in fact, they were oggling the synchronized swimmers
on NBC's Olympics coverage on the TV above the her
head} my suitors have been few and far between. On
the other hand, I work in a hospital setting, so I
generally get hit on by 75 year old men in for their
prostate exam, and this is not exactly the population
I am interested in dating at this time.

The message I would like to send, without being rude,
is fourfold. The first part is that I have already
seen these men naked, and I think they are being
overly optimistic to assume that I would like to do so
ever again. The second is that while I may be willing
to stick my hand up an individual's ass in a
professional setting, I am really not interested in
repeating the experience during my free time. I would
like to follow that up by mentioning that just because
my phone number is listed does not mean that it's okay
to call me at home. And finally, I absolutely refuse
to date anyone who automatically assumes that I'm a
nurse, especially if this assumption is followed up
with stupid jokes about sponge baths. I believe that
you are known for perfectly crafted responses to
awkward situations, and I could definitely use your
help.

love,
Dr. Hot Pants

Dear Dr. Hot Pants,

Face it girl — you're hot (the Olympic synchronized swimming dis was clearly a fluke). You're a beautiful soon-to-be-doctor in a white coat running around a hospital sticking your hand up people's butts all day. You're going to get noticed. I think it many ways, in the second part of your question, you answered your own question.

The thing you have to remember is to be assertive. It's easy for guys to make stupid passes — but hard for girls to deny them. It shouldn't be this way.

If a guy at the hospital makes a pass, tell him you don't date patients. If he insists, tell him you don't date patients whose butts you've touched in a professional setting (and before the first date — gasp!). If he continues to push and calls you at home, tell him that if you didn't give him your phone number, it's unacceptable for him to call you. And if a guy assumes you're a nurse and drops the sponge bath bomb, tell him you know how to use a drilldo. Then tell him what exactly that means. That should take care of it.

Good luck,
Dr. Luv