Dear Dr. Luv: What is the proper etiquette for sexual relations when one of the participants happens to starring in a reality television show?

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September 2, 2004

Today is the day to steal a shopping cart.

Dr. Luvvie Smalls is in.

Dear Luvvie Smalls,
With the impending arrival of the fight and fuck fest known as "The Real World: Philadelphia", I have a question that only you can answer. What is the proper etiquette for sexual relations when one of the participants happens to starring in a reality television show? If I only make out with the drunken girls I pick up, my boys back home will call me a pussy. But if I bang every girl I meet, women won't ever want to learn about the "real" me. HELP!

-Perplexed In Philadelphia

 Dear Perplexed,
I happen to subscribe to the Don't Kiss and Tell Unless it's Really Good or Really Bad school of hooking up. If the session involves hair pulling or nibbling, someone's going to hear about it. If the session involves a broken nose or unorthodox use of a floor fan, everyone's going to hear about it. If the session falls anywhere in between, I'm not going to bore my peeps with the details.

But alas, when cameras follow you around all day, even the best of rules have to be defenestrated.

I guess what I've learned in my thirteen years of watching The Real World, Road Rules and the Real World/Road Rules Challenge is this: It doesn't matter what you do while you're on the show, the editors will make you appear how they want you to appear. If you simply kiss a girl goodnight and you're supposed to be the Rowdy Frat Guy Womanizer Stud of that season, the editors are going to make it look like you hit it. If you're the Mormon Virgin Chick from the Backwoods, the editors will edit your sexploits to help you keep your G-rated image.

I guess the overall rule here is to be true to yourself and keep it real, if you will. If you want to take a drunken girl home and show her what you workin' with, do it. If you want to keep it above the waist with said drunken girl, that's fine, too. You just have to own your decisions. And their consequences. And if your boys give you beef, remind them that it's your Real World and they're just living in it.

You got a luv-type question? Email the Notorious L.U.V.