The stages of Olympic grief

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September 1, 2004

Rabbit rabbit.

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Dr. Luvvie Smalls is in tomorrow. Have you sent her your question about love/sex/the opposite sex?

Zulkey.com will be changing offices in a few weeks, and in preparation for that event, I have reached a very sad point: the cable has been turned off. Not only that, but I am bereft of an antenna, which means the unthinkable: no TV. I canít decide if I can make it the next three weeks without tuning into network TV, or if I can cave in, but I will tell you this: for the last two days I have been without any post-Olympic programming, let alone Republican National Convention coverage. Here is how I have been handling it:

Denial: I really refused to believe that I was going to be without television, without even a ìSimpsonsî or ìFriendsî or even ìSeinfeldî rerun. I clicked the remote. Nothing. I asked it to please show me some entertaining programming. Nothing. I just stared at it for a while and tried to envision all the commercials and promos I was missing. That only worked for a little bit.

Anger: Who the hell were I and my roommates to turn off the cable? Just where did we get off? What was my problem? Why didnít I have an antenna lying around? Why was I so retarded? Stupid stupid stupid!

Bargaining: If I go a week without television, then I will be one of those holier-than-thou people who ëdoesnít watch TV,í and my soul will be cleansed, and nobody can blame me if I cave in and go out to Radio Shack to buy an antenna. Also, if I watch some VHS tapes I have of television, thatís kind of like watching TV. But have you ever watched a tape and been surprised by news tags from six months ago? Did you hear that John Kerry won the Iowa Caucus?

Depression: Just what am I supposed to do when I get home from work, or if I want to fall asleep slowly in front of Nick and Night? And donít tell me to read. I read plenty. Mind your own business. God, whatís the point of even going home?

Acceptance: Iím just going to get an antenna. It will be a good investment for my new apartment, in case the cable ever goes out. All will be right with the world.