August 18,
2004
Today is the day to pass a stone.
Luvvie Smalls is now available for your romantic queries. You know you have questions about love, sex, girls and boys, don't be shy! Write her today so she can have a magnificent debut column tomorrow.
It's no new story that the Americans have been underachieving a tad in the Olympics. The men's basketball team was a joke. Michael Phelps has won only 30 gold medals so far instead of his projected track so far of 800. And silver for the women's gymnastics team? Give me a break. So why are we so bad right now? Some thoughts:
Terror/"Terra": Security has been ramped up so much in Athens to defend against a potential terrorist attack. And everyone knows that the war on terror starts with individuals. It's really hard to swim fast or hit an ace in beach volleyball if you're busy keeping an eye out for suspicious people or packages.
Jetlag: Greece is, like, really far away, did you know that?
Homesickness: Speaking of being far away, there are certain amenities you can't get as easily when you're in the ancient land of Olympis, like fast-speed internet porn and overpriced cigarettes. Did you ever stop to consider that some of these athletes just want to go home?
Too nice: What better way to perk up the spirits of Romania or Zimbabwe than by toning it down a little? Let them have their gold medal. We have Paris Hilton.
Not enough untraceable steroids: Stupid baseball players have been hoarding them.
Dizziness: There are a surprising amount of athletes this year who suffer from the tragic effects of vertigo.
Overestimation of the benefits of Crunk Juice: It can make you get low, but it can't make you go fast.