Today is the day to give someone totally worthless input.
Recently, this rankings entry was blogged to my attention. Now normally, I don't care about how I stack up to the other blogs, because I am not in this for the hits. I am in it for the money. See all these invisible ads floating around on the page? That's how I stay stacked in Payless Shoes.
What was disturbing, though, is that I am in stiff competition with several sites that don't even post anymore. Somehow, two year old material from Ironminds, Knotmag and Haypenny are seriously giving me a run for the money. That's pretty pathetic.
No, no, it's okay, don't worry about me. Don't click here out of pity.
I thought about how I could garner hits. I could post scurrilous (but believable) gossip about socialites of varying degrees of hygiene, find photos of celebrities looking ugly, or just post pictures of my cute friends. But that involves time and energy that I am not willing to spend. So how can I get more popular without really trying?
Then I came to the realization that I don't need those people! If you are not reading this, don't even start! I don't need you! I am speaking to the people whose eyes are not looking at this site: You are not good enough for Zulkey.com. You simply cannot handle the Zulk. Oh, sure, go for the 'safe' sites like Gawker, where you can expect multiple posts a day with colorful pictures. You have to use this <here I am pointing at my head> to be able to appreciate this, and if you are not here, we don't need you and your not-reading kind.
If you are a Zulkey.com reader, don't feel like a loser. You are a winner, because you partake, daily, in a site so controversial and challenging that nobody even likes it. I'm like the Vincent Gallo of websites, only when Chloe Sevigny comes by, she gets to relax.
So go forth and don't tell anybody about my site, because I don't want thousands of unworthy fans. I mean, they'll be worthy once they start reading, of course, but you know, until then: lamesville, population them.
Read Diary Archives