June 23, 2004

Today is the day to play the flying V.

Buy my book!

Go Ahead, Ask Dear Zulk Another Question

dear zulk,

which is your favorite absolut advert and why?

love,
your most drunkenest fan

Advert? What are you, British? Anyway, if you are referring to the Absolute ads that I used to tear out of magazines and paste on my bedroom wall as a kid, it's hard, but I can narrow it down. Anything that came in the newspaper with a free goodie was good, like an absolut christmas stocking or absolut wrapping paper or absolut tights. The most beautiful ones always came from the back of Wired magazine, which I would get by sneaking a copy of the magazine to the top floor of Barnes and Noble, ripping it off, and then hieing it away. I'm sorry, mom. But I think of course the one that would be closest to my heart would be Absolut Chicago, for obvious reasons, and because you have to think for a minute about it.

Dear Zulk,

I recently heard that some species of sharks can swim far upriver and even into lakes. Now I won't enjoy swimming in Lake Michigan this summer for fear of being chomped to pieces like a chew toy.

The rational part of my brain tells me that since there has never been a shark attack in Chicago, it's not likely to happen to me. But I'm human, not vulcan, and don't always find logic to be a sufficient guide.

Where do you stand on this burning issue?

Sincerely,

Bull sharks or bull shit?

The Sharks in Lake Michigan issue is one that I struggled with annually, because while Lake Michigan is a fine place to frolic, free of the awfulness of the ocean: stingers, biters, salt, big waves, etc., any large body of water where you can't see the bottom can be kind of creepy, even if you were a former swim team member/life guard such as myself. If anything, I'd say that my greatest fear is that Lake Michigan is haunted, as there are tons of old wrecks in it, including several airplanes. So you'll be paddling along, worrying about a freshwater shark when you'll be grabbed, unawares, by a lake ghost. So be careful no matter what.

Anyway, as I said, this is something I worry about a lot, especially as I have an ongoing fear that the next time fishermen pull up some horrible dinosaur fish that everyone thought was extinct but isn't, it will be attached to my leg.

But reason wins out and I tentatively say bullshit to the bullshark issue, but there is a reason why you rarely see me in water more than shin-deep without a beer in hand.