January
7, 2004
Today is the day to wish Sarah Mallin a happy birthday.
Guest Diarist: Robert
McEvily
Rank: Vowels
1. I: "I" is the best vowel because it means you,
as in "I did this" or "I said that." For this reason alone
it's without competition. And it's versatile. It's the only vowel that can
double as a Roman numeral. It's also the last letter of numerous tasty Italian
dishes, like linguini, scungilli, and eggplant rolatini. As an action vowel
it has no equal, because
it's part of "ing," which means it helps out when you're running,
jumping, or boffing your sex partner.
2. A: "A" commands respect. It's synonymous with excellent grades,
it comes first alphabetically, and - like "I" - it's a word all
by itself. Four of our seven continents start with "A" - Africa,
Antarctica, Asia, and Australia. That's a real bitch-slap to the other vowels.
3. E: "E" earns props for having a major entertainment network named after it. Even better, it represents errors in baseball, so it's part of our national pastime.
4. O: "O" is not just a letter, it's everyone's favorite geometry shape. It's also the best vowel to double up on, as in "boob," "oomph," and "cootchie-coo."
5. U: "U" is weird because it sounds like "you," which causes confusion. "Me?" "No, u." And so on. And it's shaped like a horseshoe, which is just plain stupid.
6. Y: "Y" is the "sometimes" vowel, the substitute teacher of the vowel world. And we all know how we feel about substitute teachers. Which raises an interesting question. How do we feel about substitute rankers?