Last
Days of 2003
Today is the day to make a scene.
Thanks to everyone who sent in the New Year's Resolutions that they're not pretending to keep. Enjoy the rest of the year in good health and I will speak with you in the oh-fo'.
From David Mogolov:
In 2004, I resolve to:
complain less
stop lying to myself about my bad eating habits
stop lying to myself about my bad housekeeping
improve my eating and housekeeping skills, reducing my need to deceive myself
make time for better eating, and to clean the house
do less charitable work, in order to free up some time for me
stop inventing circuitous justifications for my bad behavior
finally apply all those ready.gov stickers to the appropriate places in my
home, workplace, and vehicle
find something worthwhile to do on the Internet or unplug my computer
engage in less talk and a lot more rock
repay my debt to society ($49.56, accrued in the form of pens taken from customer
service counters)
start a music-rehab program at a local prison
stop claiming that I'm the guy who wrote Everything is Illuminated
stop posing as one of the Dukes of Hazzard, start impersonating a real person
From Chad Stevens:
Here is a short list of resolutions I have no intention of keeping.
1. Stop scratching my backne.
2. Write crap that's less bad.
3. Eat less of those Danish Butter Cookies that come in the round blue tin
that are currently quite delicious.
4. Read less trashy books.
5. Straighten out the Middle East Peace process and solve this terrorism problem.
6. Learn to fly.
7. Make fun of Dennis Kucinich less.
8. Send thank you cards.
9. Stop showing strangers the scars on my head.
From Darby Larson:
1. Win the lottery. I shall try my hardest. It won't be easy. Pray for me.
2. Get a reply from Opium Magazine concerning a story I submitted like 4 months
ago. Todd? Where are you?
3. Get elected President of the United States via a campaign funded by blackmailing
my closest friends and relatives.
4. Shave this chunk of fuzz off my face once and for all.
5. Withdraw all the money I own and by a stranger a new pancreas.
6. Get http://darby.tv up and running.
7. Become the King of the World. I shall have a throne in Antartica and everyone
will do as I say. I will say to them, be as you are.
From Tracy Lyons:
New years resolutions most likely to fail in the life
of Tracy Lyons:
1. Get tested for food allergies. i really think this
one is a good idea for me, but the thought of needles
and scratches and puffy skin... well, it makes it not
too likely to happen.
2. Clean my house and then keep it clean. yeah right.
maybe if I were the only one living there and i didn't
work a full time job. Ha.
3. Yoga yoga yoga. This, I must tell you, is in place
of resolving to excercise, which I have finally
admitted to myself is just not going to happen. Not in
the middle of a michigan winter, anyways. I have this
lovely daydream of becoming a yogi. Well, that ain't
gonna happen if I'm not doing yoga! I guess I'm trying
to be practical here. I hope Idon't break this
resolution, but...
4. Okay, maybe i should resolve to do sit-ups every
night? Ugh.
5. Be nice to Claire. Every year I try and try and try
to be friendly-ish to her, but it is so hard! I just
don't think i have the energy to do it in 2004.
Happy New Year!
From Kim Bosch:
Some of these may sound silly to you guys, some of them are not so bad, some of them are pretty, uh, lame and disappointing. I never make resolutions usually (I don't plan on keeping them so WHY) but thought I would TRY this year.
The list started when I was getting my eyebrows waxed (YES I do!) and the women in the place were talking about skin care and I asked how important skin care was and the lady laughed at me in my blue jeans and ripped tee-shirt, sweater with the hole in the armpit and bag of dog food on my lap and said, "Oh well it is pretty important." and they all looked at me weird. And she pulled me over to this big magnified mirror thing that showed EVERY SINGLE imperfection on my face. And she said to me, "I think maybe looking after your skin could be your New Year's Resolution." So I decided to make a list.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Resolutions 2004
Look after my skin better
Never drive more than 20km over the speed limit
Always wear my glasses when driving (needed for seeing in the distance)
Always clean my glasses with the safety cloth provided to me free of charge
by
Lenscrafters-do not use the sleeves of a scratchy wool sweater
Strike up more conversations with people on the bus rather than simply staring
out the window day-dreaming
Eat less cheese
Get back to the gym/playing basketball/playing badminton
Learn to play an instrument (WELL)
Listen to more old hip-hop
Feed my dog less treats (or feed her healthier treats)
Stop biting my nails
Go to more concerts
See more plays
Go to more readings
Learn to sew
Learn to cook
Spend less money eating out
Stop feeling like you are the person who should always kill any lull in
conversation
Stop killing lulls in conversations with self-deprecating jokes
Never drive car unless you have FULL visibility (i.e. the car has been brushed
off and is snow free)
Get oil changes ON TIME
Get gas just ONCE before the light comes on
Stop walking in front of cars demanding that they stop (giving drivers dirty
looks)
Clean up the foul language
Say more puns and be proud of them
Stop worrying about your monetary worth
Remember to turn calendar at least within the first WEEK of a new month (same
goes with time change and your clocks)
Finish a list before making a new one
Stop interrupting people
Watch higher quality films
Sleep in less
TRY making something/ANYthing from scratch
Clean out the bottom of the compost garbage bin
Listen to music at safer volumes while driving or walking in high traffic
area/at night walking alone
Be more concerned with hearing in general
Have hearing tested
Stop finding something wrong with every commercial you see/stop yelling at
the
TV (especially when alone)
Stop eating fast food
Try having only one glass of wine
Volunteer more
Write more
Write better
Sing more/better
Dance better (or less)
Laugh louder and with a bigger smile
Compliment 10 people every day (make sure it is SINCERE)
Enjoy the people sitting at your table rather than looking at who is coming
through the door
Make eye contact ALWAYS when speaking to someone
Try not to make snap judgments
Tell one person each week something you like about them ("You know what
I like
about you...")
Start doing photography stuff again
Walk slower
Take shorter showers
Read more books
Create your website already!
Clean records
Stop buying plants unless you have a place to put them
Stop buying other people plants unless they said they WANT a plant
Stop devaluing math
Start sending more packages to people you know who live far away
Floss everyday
Clean tub every week
Stop buying Mrs. Fields nibbler cookies every time you go to the mall
Send less emails-make more phone calls
Send less emails to people who don't know you better
Keep it real
From Brian Graham:
My doomed-to-failure resolution this year is to somehow meet Paris Hilton,
and immediately punch her in the stomach, no questions asked. Though, technically,
this resolution will probably be broken due to lack of opportunity and definitely
not lack of desire.