October
1 ,
2003
Rabbit rabbit.
"Running Straight for the Queer Guys," in the Chicago Tribune today! Read it while it's free!
Hey girls. Fembooks suck. You can do better than that! But in the meantime, do as badly.
Finally, I am totally editing Opium Magazine this month.
Rank: Drink Garnish Accessories
- The tiny paper umbrella. This is my personal favorite. The care that goes into them amazes me, from the little designs on the paper to the miniscule rubber band that props the umbrellas open. Get these in one of your drinks and it's instant party. Downside: Makes you realize that your life is not nearly fun enough to warrant one of these umbrellas.
- Miniature plastic animals. These are great. Did you know they make a whole menagerie? Monkeys, giraffes, dolphins, the works. These are almost more fun than the drinks themselves, and you have to appreciate a bar that includes drink decorations that don't even hold garnishes. Downside: Take these home and they suddenly just look like cheap crap.
- Silly straws. Boy, when was the last time you used one of these? Too long, I assure you. Downside: You realize that you are increasing the time it takes to drink your beverage. And your beverage is not usually worth that fanfare.
- The little plastic sword. My brother and I used to fight over these as kids and/or have tiny plastic swordfights until our parents told us to stop. Good times. Downsides: Little plastic pirates are going around unarmed.
- The plastic toothpicks shaped like arrows. These are purely functional, and only step above the traditional toothpick. Downside: sometimes it feels like little plastic arrows are going through your heart, doesn't it?
- Any of this stuff. Whoo! You are crazy! Downside: You are probably about to be married and in several years you will look upon drinking out of these objects in shame. As you should.