September 15, 2003

Today is the day to buy a brand new ironic t-shirt.

I review new food on McSweeneys. This should be my job.

The Chicago Bears continue to lose, and in Chicago, when your team loses, coachs' heads roll, which makes me sad, so here is a haiku for the Bears' head coach:

Dick Jauron, you seem
like a nice guy. If you get
fired, be friends with me.

Dr Hot Pants is back in today with some great stories from the medical front, but unfortunately, due to an expanding schedule and her expanding cadre of Hot Pants groupies, she will have to hang up her scrubs. So, readers, this week is your last week to send in your questions, as you will not have access to her advice after next Monday.

Dr Hot Pants is In, but for Only One More Day After This

Hi Claire!

I was on call Wed. and I got this whacked-out patient who in addition to a list of medical problems approximately 5 pages long, was also bipolar and high on cocaine. Actually, even worse- she was crashing after being high so she fell asleep approximately every 30 seconds during my history and physical exam. And it's really hard to take somebody's blood pressure when they suddenly fall asleep and their arm comes crashing down and the cuff flies off. Sigh. But she has since gone home and last night I had time to work on my presentation for today and I just got assigned to do another presentation on cephalosporin antibiotics, which I'm excited about because my current passion in life is infectious disease.

Love,

Dr. Hot Pants

Dear Claire,

Here's hoping that you are having a nice lazy Sunday with plenty of rest and relaxation while I am stuck on call again, wrestling with a 500 pound bipolar man who is 100 percent determined to eat my penlight. Apparently it would go well with the dozens of nails, screws, paper clips, and other metal objects that he has ingested over the last couple of days. Seriously, what is it with people and sticking metal objects into strange orifices? If I didn't need the penlight for my other patients, I think I would let him eat it just to see what it would look like later on X-ray.

Love,

Dr. HP