August 14, 2003

Today is the day to tell someone you just met that you still love them after all these years.

So yestiddy I did my Wednesday thing, ranking ways of shopping, but unfortunately, due to my personal experience, I was only able to recall it from the female perspective. I asked the guys to rank for me their ways of shopping and they did, they really did. Thanks, guys! I'll buy you a shirt for Christmas.

Rank: Ways of Shopping (for boys)

1. From Eric Wrisley:
   
   Fire shopping. All of your clothes smell like an ashtray because the woman downstairs "likes candles, and, well, she's a drinker." (per the landlord, the day after the fire) You need something to wear while you wash everything you own for the 30th time. You buy a pair of jeans, a shirt, underwear and socks in one trip. Downside: you house caught fire, is there an upside?
2. Shoe shopping with a guy friend. You get to explain to him the things to look for in a quality shoe. You help him find a pair of identical shoes in brown and black, for versatility. You get to say, "Those look snazzy!" and mean it, and then argue about the color of his pants (definitely green, not gray). You ask the store manager if they're hiring, explaining that you know a lot about shoes, for a straight guy. Downside: You're shoe shopping with another man - you look like you're "together."
3. Divorce shopping: your wife kicks you out with only the
   clothes on your back. You go to the discount store and buy the first $1.99 t-shirt and and $3.49 pair of shorts you see. You hope they "match." Downside: self evident, isn't it?
4. Mom does the shopping. You go to your mother's house and she says, "Here, I bought these pants for you. Try them on." You say, "They'll fit." If they do, then they become a part of your wardrobe. Downside: If they don't fit, then they go to the back of the closet waiting go to Goodwill.

From Tyson Tune:

1. Boys only go to the mall with something in mind. If I show up at the store, I know what I want and I know what size I need. The best shopping for boys is the kind where no one bothers you and preferably no one even
   talks to you. Trying on clothes is strictly optional and mostly for the weak.
2. Gadget shopping is the best. I know gadgets aren't really clothes, but anything that fits in my pocket and carries my entire music collection is cool and fun to shop for. The downside is that gadget shopping encourages
   smarmy salesmen to talk to you about the gadgets.

From David Mogolov:

1. Accidentally: Stumbling onto the thing you probably need without having to make an effort is by far the best. For example, you've been complaining about your uncomfortable shoes for a long time, and you realize you're standing outside a shoe store and are five minutes early to meet somebody.
2. Shopping for computer peripherals and audio equipment. I know this is a male cliche, and it makes me sad, but even though I don't care about stereo equipment or photo scanners, a certain excitement payload drops into my bloodstream when I walk through a store that sells such equipment. There must be some evolutionary reason for this, but I can't imagine the benefit.
3. Online. Things bought online are more likely to be impulse buys or completely unnecessary, but you don't feel the guilt you might if you'd actually walked into a store to buy the same crap. Then you get to wait for a package, and that anticipation is always good.
4. Groceries. Shopping for groceries is always amazing. I always discover a new type of food or something. And I like food.
5. Shopping for jeans. Men and women have this in common. There's nothing good about jeans shopping; the ones you like no longer exist, nothing available is comfortable or familiar, and really, they're just jeans. Why do they change? Isn't life complicated enough?

From Tung Le:

1. Shopping for porn. The arousal derived from actually watching purchased porn is matched only by the arousal derived from ogling naked women degrading themselves in a hundred different fashions on the covers of the DVDs and magazines in the adult shop in which you are purchasing said porn. Downside: Loser. What, you don't have a girlfriend?
2. Gizmo shopping. Let's say you just purchased a new DVD ("Zulkey Does Chicago"). It looks kinda grainy on your nine-month-old DVD player. It also skipped once. The DVD player must be broken. Going to Best Buy or
   Circuit City to examine twenty different brands in thirty different models and finally deciding on that DVD/VCR/TV/Toaster combo you spotted in a newspaper flyer -- well, that feeling is like God smiling at you and giving you a thumbs up. Downside: Technology changes so quickly that by the time you reach your car carrying your new gadgets, they're
   outdated and the porn is still kinda grainy.
3. Shopping for your girlfriend/spouse. The upside is that gifts usually equals sex that night, except you're too stupid to actually buy something that she would have remotely wanted. Downside: Women usually don't accept porn as a present for them.
4. Shopping for underwear. Buying underwear is like an annual prostate exam -- you know that theoretically you need to do it more often than you do but that doesn't make the experience any more enjoyable. The upside is that underwear shopping is easy since you always buy the same Hanes size 32 briefs (3 pack). Downside: Seriously, loser. Tightie whities? Maybe this is why you don't have a girlfriend. [Editor's note: I was going to touch upon underwear shopping yesterday, but I wanted to keep it decent. All I can say is that it is only marginally more fun than jeans shopping.]

From Steve Gozdecki: (for self-conscious single guys in their early 30s)

1. Online: When you know what you like, and don’t mind saving a few bucks while getting it in the color and size you want. Downside: Upon arrival, item may vary slightly from small .jpeg image on computer screen. Not unlike Internet dating, really.
2. At the outlet mall: Did I mention I don’t like paying a lot for clothes? Downside: Some -- if not most -- items may be “irregular.”
3. Catalog: See online, above. Downside: Half the time when you call your order in, the items you want are back-ordered
4. At the mall: Oh, the variety — if you’re a teen. Downside: teens look at you funny, especially when the power-walking seniors trample over you. Even the ones with walkers.
5. On the Magnificent Mile: Helloooo, genuinely helpful customer service. Negative: good bye, next few paychecks.
6. With the significant other: She may know what colors you look good in, but the actual items she’ll pick out tend to leave something to be desired. “No, I really think you’d look good in a bomber jacket, rugby shirt, khakis and Chuck Taylors. Especially if we put some product in your hair.”