August 4, 2003

Today is the da to follow everything you say with "You know what I'm sayin'? and an elbow in the ribs.

I know some of you 'edgy' readers out there hope Zulkey.com never loses it's 'edge,' but other readers out there hate too much 'edge.' So here's what I propose: this week will be Unobjectionable Bonus Porn Week. I want you readers to send in pornographical literature to me that is literary, humorous, and contains absolutely no bad words. I will run them along with my usual content, so you can get your ya-ya's with your alleged ha-ha's. And now on with Monday.

Dr. Hot Pants Answers Your Medical-ish Questions, yet again.

Dear Dr. Hot Pants,

I recently received the following email and wondered if there was any veracity to it that you knew of:

"A woman I work with started using the new Tampax Pearl 5 months ago and started getting yeast infections, and used over-the-counter treatments. They didn't help. As it got worse, she finally went to her OB-Gyn, who did a PAP Smear. It didn't test positive, but bacteria showed up. She was then given a prescription to treat it and went home. One day while using the bathroom, a clump of something came out. She quickly thought better of it and wrapped it up and brought it with her in a Ziploc baggie to yet another visit to the doctor. It was the Tampax Pearl fibers. They had been collecting for the past 5 months! ! She even took an unopened tampon and showed me how the fibers come off so easily. You wouldn't notice because the applicator covers it. When she went in last, the doctor went to get some cultures, but found that her cervix was bleeding and it prevented her from getting all the cultures that she needed. The fibers from the tampon are cutting her and making her bleed. But the blood is having a hard time getting out and so there was a lot of old blood in the way when the doctor tried to take the cultures. Most likely, they'll have to do a D&C to clean it all out. By the way, my friend's doctor is writing a letter to the company and my friend is looking into filing a lawsuit. This is affecting her in every aspect of her life. She is also very afraid now of TSS. She told me and every woman she knows in order to get the word out, so no one else has to go through this."

So what's going on? Should I be worried about this?

--Beth

Beth:

You have nothing to worry about! This story sounds like a hoax to me.For one thing, the gynecological "knowledge" is absolutely ridiculous. We don't do PAP smears to check for yeast infections but for cervical dysplasia, which is caused by the human papilloma virus and not by tampons. Second, if the woman tested positive for bacteria, it would not be through a PAP smear but through a bacterial culture. Third, yeast infections are caused by fungi and not by bacteria. Fourth, the fibers used to make tampax pearl are not any different from the fibers used to make any other tampons, and any fibers that did come off would be taken care of by the vagina's own instrinsic cleansing process.

Anything sharp enough to make your cervix bleed would not be soft enough to absorb blood and would never be used in a tampon. Besides that blood is extremely unlikely to ever build up in your vagina unless you have an imperforate hymen which in itself is a rare medical condition that would have been diagnosed in early adolescence. And a D and C is absolutely NOT required for anything in any way related to tampons. That, and toxic shock syndrome is not linked to Tampax Pearl either. I hate e-mails like these that try to scare women for no good reason. Isn't the fact that we have to get our period bad enough?

Yours,

Dr. Hot Pants

What's that smell? What does it feel that way? My god, is it getting bigger? Will I be this way forever? If you have a question for Dr. Hot Pants, send me an email with the subject line reading "Hot Pants" and she will answer it to the best of her capabilities, which are pretty damn good for free medical advice, cheapskate.