July 31, 2003

Today is the day to get into an exciting boat chase.

New McDonald's Warning

Dear Valued Customer:

We at McDonalds would like to warn you that many of our delicious, nutritious, cost-efficient meals may be bad for you. They may have a high calorie count. They may have more fat than other food options. (However, this is not the case with our new salads: check 'em out!) Sugar, cholesterol, and animal byproducts as well.

As you know, this may cause potential threat to some people's health. These people are already likely to be extremely overweight. They're also more prone to be unintelligent, perhaps with chronic bad breath. These people perhaps should not eat our food.

However, we're not really talking about you. Seriously, you knew all this stuff already. You're smart. You're "in the know." This information is just for those people out there, whoever they are, who don't know this. These are the people who are overweight and don't even know it. They're kind of ugly, too. These are the kind of people who were responsible for that whole 'keeps the hot side hot, cold side cold' thing.

You, on the other hand, are not overweight! You are slim, svelte, fit, with a razor sharp wit and breath that smells of the morning dew! You are fine the way you are! Perhaps you should reward yourself with a Value Meal!

Look at you. You eat like a bird and everybody knows it. Why, I bet that you can barely eat half that delicious Big Mac you're picking at right now. You'd wrap it up and part of it home, wouldn't you, if you didn't think it would make other people feel bad for eating their whole meals right here in the restaurant.

Seriously, how do you look so good? We're so jealous of you. It seems like you have it all. Great looks. Great family. Great job. Nice car. What more could you possibly want? (hint: A McFlurry!)

You've been working hard, counting calories, living your fantastic life. How much can one little serving of fries hurt you?

And you know what? So what. So what if you've got a few extra pounds on you? That still doesn't mean you're fat. You still can buy clothes at regular people's stores, right? Nobody likes people who are too thin. They're unpleasant people who are always in bad moods. Why? Because they're hungry. Would you rather be happy, constantly with the sensation of deliciousness lingering in your mouth, or angry and annoyed, eating carrot sticks?

Well?

Sincerely,

Your Friends at McDonalds
"We Love to See You Smile"