Today is the day to work at the carwash.

Ladies and gentlemen, not one, but two sketches inspired by a certain neighboring high school...

The Issue at Hand

A group of upper-middle class parents are gathered at a Glenbrook North High School PTA meeting.

PAULA
All right, everybody, settle down. As we all know, we're here to discuss the hazing incident that occurred last week between students during a Powder Puff football game. How are we going to deal with this? What example will we set for our children?

JANICE
I agree that this is a huge issue, even bigger than the great Jeep -Scratching of '98. I just can't believe that something like this would happen in this day and age.

PAULA
Well, yes. But what are we--

JANICE
It's unbelievable that an all-girls' football game would be called something as demeaning as a "Powder Puff" game. Now, I know that television show is very popular, but I think we should call it something more empowering, like Girlyball.

TIMOTHY
Ladyball. I like ladyball. They're young ladies after all.

JANICE
That's true.

PAULA
Well, that's nice, but what about the issue at hand? I mean, some of these students were forced to have pig and fish entrails rubbed in their faces. That's intolerable.

GEOFF
It certainly is. My daughter was a victim of the hazing and since I've been forcing her to embrace the religion of my new wife, this pig thing is just unacceptable.

TIMOTHY
What about animal rights in general? Are we living in the middle ages?

JANICE
Well, I don't know about the fish. Do fish count? Can fish feel? I know that some vegetarians eat fish. I don't really have a problem with the fish guts. Pig guts, no way, but fish guts...okay?

TIMOTHY
Ew, no.

JANICE
Yeah, you're right.

PAULA
Hello? That's not the issue here. Everybody who's watched TV in the last week has seen the video of those girls beating each other up in the forest preserve.

JANICE
You know, I don't really care for these reality TV shows. It's all the sex and swear words.

GEOFF
What the hell are you talking about?

PAULA
Thank you! Anyway--

GEOFF
The POINT is the environment! Those girls were trashing the forest preserves!

TIMOTHY
I don't really understand forest preserves. What is that? Like, something you jar and keep in your cellar? Is there a forest jelly? A forest jam?

JANICE
Tim, please do us a favor and quit taking those standup classes, all right?

PAULA
Oh my god. You parents don't seem to understand. The whole nation is looking at us as a school that can't control its children, that teaches them that violence and class pressure is okay, that refuses to discipline them, and worst of all, whose parents provided alcohol for the hazing!

GEOFF
Wait, what?

PAULA
Yes indeed. We have now discovered that the parents of some students actually provided alcohol for the event. Now, are we all in agreement that this is an issue that needs addressing?

TIMOTHY
Yes indeed.

GEOFF
Yes.

JANICE
Indeed.

Beat.

JANICE (cont'd)
Alcohol is good.

TIMOTHY
Yes it is.

GEOFF
Yum!

PAULA
Well, that's true. And at least we all agree. Meeting's adjourned, then.

Fade.

Child Welfare

Mom and Dad, two middle-aged parents, invite their 16-year-old daughter Tammi into their living room to talk.

TAMMI
Yes, Mom and Dad?

MOM
Honey, we want to talk to you about school.

DAD
Yes, we got a call from your counselor today, and we hear that you’re having a few problems with your students.

TAMMI
Well...

MOM
Don’t worry, sweetie, you can tell us what’s wrong. We’re your parents.

TAMMI
Oh, okay. High school is just so hard. There are so many popular girls in my class and they’re so mean to anybody who’s not ‘cool’ like them. Every day is a living hell for me and I’m just miserable. Nobody understands me and I hate those people.

MOM (SIGHING)
Oh dear. This isn’t the thing that you want to hear from your kids.

TAMMI
Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be okay eventually.

MOM
No, we really don’t want to hear this kind of stuff.

TAMMI
What do you mean?

DAD
Tammi, we’re very disappointed in you.

TAMMI
What do you mean? I’m first in my class this semester.

DAD
See, this is the kind of stuff that will never get you in with the popular kids.

MOM
Yeah, nobody likes a nerd, honey.

TAMMI
You guys are joking, right?

DAD
No, sweetie. See, our parents told us once that one day we’d be punished with kids just like us. And so far that day hasn’t come.

MOM
With you with no friends and your brother Jonathan in the gifted classses in elementary school...

DAD
Both of you guys are doomed to be nerds for the rest of your life.

MOM
Yeah, what’s WRONG with you?

TAMMI
I don’t understand. I thought that you’d be proud of me no matter what.

DAD
Well, it’s that kind of talk that will never get you invited to any parties and will never get you past second base.

MOM
Sweetie, your’e pretty embarrassing.

TAMMI
So you’re not going to do anything?

MOM
What can we do? We’ve bought you the coolest clothes and bought you a sweet ride.

DAD
We even told you we don’t mind if you experiment with drugs. And I don’t know what you did with that beer I bought you.

TAMMI
Oh, that? I used that for a science project on fermentation.

MOM
God, Tammi.

Dad flicks Tammi on the side of the head.

TAMMI
Ow!

DAD
Sorry, that’s what happens to krelborns.

MOM
Yeah!

She gives Tammi a wedgie.

TAMMI
What’s going on?

MOM
If you aren’t going to shape up, we’re going to have to punish you until you’re the daughter we want.

DAD
Yes, honey. Now smoke this cigarette or else I’m going to have to put your head in the toilet.

TAMMI
Do I have to?

DAD (MIMICKING TAMMI)
Do I have to?

TAMMI
Stop that!

Mom throws a paper airplane at Tammi’s head.

Fade.