January 30, 2003

Today is the day to stay away from the mechanical bull.

We are living in a golden age, my friends. A golden age of reality programming. Look at all there is to offer! "Joe Millionaire," "The Real World," "American Idol," "The Bachelorette," "Meet My Parents," and more.

Thus, I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and invent my own reality TV show. Behold!

The Zulktastic Endeavor

The Times: The show will be taped over the summer of 2003. However, the show will be broadcast in one single 14-minute increment, due to problems with sponsors.

Locale: The entire show will take place on the floor of the Empress Casino in Joliet, Illinois. No gambling will occur, however.

The Teams:
The Short: Sylvester Stallone, Kerri Strug, Muggsy Boughes

The Fluctuating Weight-ers: Missy Elliot, Luther Vandross, Monica Lewinski.

The 'Real': At least one minority, at least one fetishist, at least one character with an eating disorder, at least one character with anger management issues, at least one character exploring an alternative lifestyle.

The Pointless: Ashley Judd, Tara Reid, Carson Daley, Dame Edna

The Competition:

The teams will thus compete against each other in a series of challenging and thought-provoking endeavors.

Phase 1: The kicking machine. The teams go around kicking each other in the shins. The last team to fall, bloodied, to the ground wins.

Phase 2: Pi. The teams begin to recite as many digits of the number pi as they can remember. HOWEVER: it's not the team that can remember the most numbers that wins, but the first team to declare this exercise "totally stupid."

Phase 3: Extraction. Whichever team will allow the most teeth pulled out (total) wins this round.

Phase 4: Of Mice and Men: Each group will be presented with a puppy. The last group to pet the puppy 'too much' wins.

Finale:

The points are tallied in some fashion which has not been determined, and after a three hour long live feed ceremony, the winner is announced. And the winner receives…

Oh, crap. Ok, the winner receives something. I'll figure it out.