Today is the day to realize you are horribly outdated.

Next week, Zulkey.com returns to you in full force, with all the fun and ins and outs of the regular week, so stop panicking and put down that security blanket.

But while we are in the New Year, I thought that I should make my prognostications about what will happen in 2003, so that when it does happen, you can say knowingly to your friends, "Zulkey predicted this would happen." And then all your friends will thing you are a pretentious jerk, but who cares, because you're right, right?

In 2003...

Snow will fall on the Eastern Seaboard.

Michael Jackson, and perhaps Marlon Brando, Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli and Whitney Houston, will do something outrageous.

People will continue to care about Britney Spears, albeit not as many as last year.

The country will be in some sort of danger.

Somebody somewhere will write some sort of article about Baby Boomers getting older, and perhaps tie it in to the economy or something.

Halo: Charlie's Angels 2 will open to mixed reviews.

A child will weep.

Somebody will tell said child to shut up.

Someone will go to a rock concert at a small club and subsequently become very annoyed with the people standing in front of, behind, and to the sides of them.

Athletes will make a lot of money.

Some new technology will be unveiled.

We will continue on our constant trajectory of non-suckiness upward from 2001.

Vogue magazine will run some articles on whether plastic surgery is worth it or not.

Either Courtney Love or Yoko Ono will be involved in some sort of lawsuit.

Some stupid Broadway musical is going to get a lot of unwarranted attention just because Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker were in attendance.

My Dad will have troubles with the remote control.

Every day, it will get dark, towards the end.