November 18, 2002

Today is the day to give somebody something to look forward to.

The fruits of my Second City writing class labors to you, today. Most especial thanks to Sean Carman and the folks hanging out on the Atlantic Monthly boards for their help and inspiration.

"The Potato"

ANNOUNCER
Twelve desperate, clinically depressed, anorexic women. One plastic, inanimate object. Only one lucky woman will be chosen by…

(Ridiculously long, dramatic pause)

The Potato!

Lights up on Allison, Maxine, Janet and Tanya, four well-dressed young women sitting in director's chairs. A spotlight falls on a fifth chair, holding a Mr. Potato Head.

ALLISON
I love you, P.H.!

MAXINE
Shut up! It's not your turn to talk yet!
(Seductively)
Hi, Potato.

ANNOUNCER (chuckling)
All right, now, settle down, ladies. Ok, if you haven't been following along, last week Mr. Potato Head made the difficult decision of eliminating the lovely Melissa. And this week, Mr. Head will pick his bride. Who will be Mrs. Potato Head?

WOMEN
Me! Me!

ANNOUNCER
And who will be eliminated?

The women cry and rend their clothes and tear our their hair.

ANNOUNCER
Ok, let's get started. Allison, why do you think you'd be the best bride for Mr. Potato Head?

ALLISON
Well, like I've told you, I've been on the Real World Chicago, Real World Seattle, Real World Hawaii, Real World New Orleans, Fear Factor, 60 Seconds to Fame, Blind Date, Elimidate, Change of Heart, Big Brother, Survivor, the Mole, and Girls Gone Wild. So, what's I'm saying is, I think true love is in my soul. Also, I have an agent, in case anybody out there wants to call.

ANNOUNCER
You sound like a wonderful woman, Allison.

ALLISON
I am. And I'm up for anything. AN-Y-THING.

ANNOUNCER
That's great. Ok, Maxine, you recently had Mr. Potato Head meet your parents. Let's see what that was like. Come on in here, parents!

Maxine's parents enter.

MOM
Maxine, look, you're old enough to make your own decisions, but how many times do we have to tell you: It's a goddamned Potato Head?

DAD
Sweetie, I love you, but I am not paying for this wedding.

MAXINE (Overreacting)
Get out of here! You don't understand me! This is true love! You don't know what love is! You fascists!

(She calms down and speaks to the announcer)

You see? Potato and I would be perfect together.

ANNOUNCER
Interesting. Mr. Potato Head, do you have anything to say at this point?

Spotlight on Mr. Potato Head, who, of course, remains silent.

JANET
Oh, I love the strong silent type.

ANNOUNCER
Janet! Why don't you tell us about what you'd do on your perfect date with Mr. Potato Head?

JANET (coyly)
Well, whatever he wants to do, of course.

ANNOUNCER
Oh, come on, Janet. What would be your perfect date with Mr. Potato Head?

JANET
Um…well…I guess I'd maybe take him to dinner, and a movie. And rearrange his features. And maybe talk about Idaho…

MAXINE
You don't know him the way I know him!

JANET
Liar!

ALLISON
Go to hell, both of you!

ANNOUNCER
Ladies, ladies! It's okay! If you don't win, you can always sign up for next seasons' "The Potato," starring the guy from the game "Operation." He’s very, ha ha, ‘open-hearted.’ And naked, constantly naked. Anyway, Tanya, let's hear why you deserve to win.

TANYA (IRRITABLY)
I've told you every week. I walked in here one day by accident while I was drunk and you don't let me leave. I don't want to be here, and I don't want to marry a stupid plastic potato.

ANNOUNCER
Ooh! Sounds like somebody's in it to win it!

TANYA
I'm not in it, and I don't want to win it.

ANNOUNCER
Wow, this is going to be a tough decision. Well, Mr. Potato Head? Who is it going to be?

Spotlight on Mr. Potato Head, who is silent.

ANNOUNCER
A tough decision, huh?

Spotlight again on Mr. Potato Head.

ANNOUNCER
Ok, well, look, we're running out of time. Why don't we say that if you don't say something, we're all agreed that you want to marry Tanya?

TANYA
Noo!

OTHER GIRLS
Nooooo!

MAXINE'S PARENTS (reappearing onstage)
Yesss!

ANNOUNCER
Let's see what the Potato has to say.

The POTATO is silent.

ANNOUNCER
Tanya! YOU are Mrs. Potato Head!

TANYA
No, I'm not.

ALLISON
That’s right, because I am. Get out of my way!

She runs towards the Potato, followed by the other girls, who knock Tanya over. They fight and wrestle around as Maxine's parents try to separate them.

ANNOUNCER
Ha ha ha! Love, it's a crazy game! That's the lesson we've all learned on…

Dramatic pause

ANNOUNCER
The Potato!