July 22, 2002
Today is the day to remember that life is a cabaret.
Finally, I bring to you the conclusion of the email Nichole project, at least on the Zulkey.com end. If you're not familiar with it, last week I received a piece of email from a young woman named Nichole. The email was very personal, and of course, I responded. Imagine my dismay when I realized that this was not a personal, friendly missive but a piece of spam. Thus, following my responses are those of the others who have come in contact with this conniving young woman. There is a word for women like here, but it's not used in polite society outside of a kennel. (She's broken a lot of hearts.) Today perhaps I will try sending all our collective responses to Nichole, and if she responds, I'll be sure to publish it.
Here is the original email, and following are the responses:
Subj: Hi sweety
From: nicholerichi@yahoo.com
Bonjour
Thanks for getting back, sorry it took me so long to respond. I really
enjoyed reading what you had to say and I just wanted to let you know that
things might
spark between us. I like things to be short term and discreet. I don't go
out much because I'm tied up with work, and the spare time that I have I take
care of myself. You sound like a really sweet guy, I need someone to make
me feel relaxed and stress free. I would love to have a strong man to massage
every part of my body when I get home from work. My family and friends always
tell me that I should take some time of work and relax and have some fun;
after all I am
an attractive and very sexy young woman. When I do get some time to myself,
I would love to get crazy and wild and make lots of passionate love. Anyways,
I don't want to get out hand, but sometimes I just can't help it. I like expressing
myself to the fullest. I am also a very open minded person when it comes down
to sex. I have lots of fantasies that hopefully one day can turn into realalities.
Well anyhow, I hope we can hit it of right and see how thing go.
You can never have too many good friends.
P S If your still interested you know where to find me
http://www.myhotpage.net/nichole where you can find out a little bit more
about me, but most importantly so we can get acquainted.
au revoir
From: clairezulkey@hotmail.com
Nichole,
I have to say I am rather upset it took you so long to get back to me, since I wrote such a carefully-crafted scribe to you, but I'm glad that you liked it, and I'm happy to hear that things might spark between us.
However, your email confused me to a certain degree. You mention being 'tied up with work,' but obviously, that's not true, because you have time to send spam out to people you've never met.
Also, while I am sweet and strong, I have to point out: I'm not a guy. Actually,
we have a lot in common: we're both attractive and very sexy young women and
share some similar views towards sex, so I guess if you're looking
for a gal-pal to spill your guts to, that's fun, as long as it's fair and
you listen to my problems as well. I can't listen to you detail your horniest
fantasies without me getting a word in edgewise. Because otherwise this will
be just a one-sided acquaintance, you know?
But you are right, you can never have too many friends. Oh and your website is very tasteful.
I look forward to hearing from you in the future!
Your new best friend in the whole wide world,
Claire
From: capsighs@pacbell.net (Wayne Lewis)
Dear Nichole:
I have to say that my feelings are hurt. From the tone and content of your message, it seems that you think I'm a special kind of guy. This would normally be flattering and mean a lot to me. However, a friend of mine just recently shared with me a message you sent... and it had, in fact, the same text. Exactly the same.
I would thank you to think twice before you toy with people's emotions.
There are a lot of lonely people in the world for whom a message from a seemingly friendly and vivacious young woman such as yourself could mean a lot. It's very hurtful to see that you just send these messages around as if you don't care who receives them.
Respectfully,
Wayne
Subj: Dear Nichole
From: tle@edisonschools.com (Tung Le)
Dear Nichole,
When I received this unsolicited note from you, I thought that maybe you had
written to me by mistake. I realize after reading your letter, however, that
God intended for you to write specifically to me because I think I can help
you. I recognize your letter as the voice of one crying out for help. As an
unlicensed but practicing psychiatrist, psychologist, and grammarian, I believe
I can help you sort out your issues -- which I've summarized below:
(1) The psychiatrist in me thinks you have issues with commitment. Your desire
for things to be "short term and discreet" reflects an internal
fear of placing your life and time into the hands of another. I blame your
mother for this. My recommendation is for you to attend weekly sessions with
me to talk through this phobia of yours. I'll even bend my schedule to work
with your hectic work schedule.
(2) The psychologist in me thinks you might be moderately bipolar. You mention
how your work has you all tied up, and I assume because your employers trust
you with this level of work, you must be focused and calm at your office.
At the same time, you mention that when alone you get all "crazy and
wild." The occupational stress you face might require some small does
of medication. I offer great rates on Prozac.
(3) The grammarian in me makes me want to beat you senseless with a chalkboard
eraser. First, you've misspelled "realities". Second, the word "your"
indicates possession. As in "your wild sexual fantasies". If you
plan on indicating a verb of some sort, you use "you're" which is
a contraction of "you
are" as in "you're a terrible speller".
Let me know if you'd like to start therapy and English lessons soon. I'm all
booked up come September.
Subj: Response to Nichole's generous offer
From: theotherchad@yahoo.com
Dear Nichole,
I must admit to being somewhat confused by your little e-missive. At first, I thought you must have been someone I knew but had forgotten because maybe you weren't that interesting or whatever. I meet a lot of people. But then you got to the part about needing a massage. This piqued my interest because I am a professional massage therapist and I'm always looking for new clients. My rates are $75 for the first half hour and $35 per hour thereafter. Anyway, I read a little further and realised to my disappointment that you were not a prospective client but some kind of electronic hooker, or phone sex operator or something (sorry, I'm not really well versed in the semantics of modern whoring). I'm not a pervert myself, and I'm married anyway, but some of my best friends are really pervs of the first order, so I thought I would pass along some advice on your sales pitch, just as a fellow struggling businessperson. See, it seems that you 're trying to be subtle, but I think you should know that guys who troll the electronic street corners aren't really masters of verbal delicacy. So, what I'm getting to is that you might want to tart up your pitch with some words and phrases that this particular demographic would understand more readily. I won't try to get really porny, since I'm not a professional, but you might start out with something that includes the words "ass," "hot sluts," and "cornhole." Like I said, I'm no expert, but maybe those will get you started on the road to a really successful online whoring business. Take care of yourself and thanks for the thought.
Cordially,
Chad Stevens
Subj: Dear Nichole...
From: dmogolov@bedfordstmartins.com (David Mogolov)
I am so glad you got in touch with me! I have an exciting opportunity for you! I think what I have to offer really plays to your strengths, needs and desires, so let me lay out my proposal point-by-point, in response to your letter:
> I like things to be short term and discreet
What a coincidence! As a businessman engaged in diverse industries and entrepreneurial
opportunities world-wide, I don't have time for longterm commitments, and
frankly, I probably wouldn't remember your name. I'm not sure that we'll have
time to, as you say, "get acquainted," but I have a place for you
in my organization. Only one question: Do you have a passport?
> I don't go out much because I'm tied up with work, and the spare time
that I have I take care of myself.
This is quite a relief to me, and I wish more young people had your passion
for labor and self-reliance. If there's one thing I don't need, it's somebody
else's problems. I don't have time for it, and I don't make time for it. In
my organization, the squeaky wheel definitely gets greased.
> I would love to get crazy and wild and make lots of passionate love.
I don't know about "crazy" or "wild," but when it comes
to passionate love, I've got the means to make it: a 45,000 square-foot love-making
factory in Malaysia. Nichole, all you have to do is say the word, and I can
get you a job on the line in this fast-paced and exciting industry. We produce,
in the Bali unit, over 12,000 gallons of passionate love a day. This love
is shipped, through various channels, to markets throughout the world! You
won't make a lot, but you'll learn a lot! And with your fifteen-minute lunch
break, you'll get to meet other young women who've left the harsh world of
online smut in order to secure themselves a position in the up-and-coming
sweatshop labor industry. As we say at the factory, "Step out of the
cold, and into the heat!"
Hey, I noticed your "au revoir"---are you bilingual? That could mean a lot on the line. Another 3 cents perhaps. Let's discuss...
Yours truly,
Dexter Hollingsworth
Love International, Ltd.
Subj: Email for Nichole
From: dan@cybermesa.com (Dan Margolis)
Dear Nicole,
Wow, thanks for writing. It's good to hear from you. I'm not sure where you
got my e-mail address from, I'm guessing that it was my posting on the "Star
Wars" fanclub forum, where I compared Yoda to Lt. Kilgore in Apocalypse
now, you know: "The smell of Napalm in the morning, that I love."
:) I still crack myself up with that.
Anyway I told my mom about you and she was so excited that a nice girl would
write to me, and she told me I should ask you out. She's very anxious to meet
you. Although we don't have to meet my mom, my apartment in the basement has
it's own entrance. ;)
So what day are you free, I'm free most nights after I get off work at Denny's,
and I should be able to borrow the car from dad. I can pick you up and we
go any place you want. I really don't know the hotspots in town, I'm more
a stay at home and cuddle person if you know what I mean.
Yours,
Randolph (yodaisgod)
Subj: Dear Nichole
From: clh22@megagate.com
Dear Nichole,
It did take you a long time to respond but I'm glad you finally did. I thought
you'd forgotten me, but it turns out you know me almost as well as my last
girlfriend. She used to spill cranberry juice on my carpet and scream Russian
obscenities while she did yoga. I didn't really like it, though sometimes
it was alright. Anyway, girlie, you're correct: I am a sweet guy. I am made
out of taffy and Skittles and jelly beans. I'm surprised you didn't notice
the first time we met. You tried to lick my jaw so I thought you knew. I hope
you're not diabetic!
You said you like strong guys. I'm not very strong. I get a lot of canker
sores and I have a compromised immune system. I also eat too many carbohydrates.
I didn't know it was bad for you until last week, and now I'm already 45 pounds
overweight. I hope you don't mind.
I really like the way you spell realities: "realalities." It's important
to me that women make mistakes like that. I don't want anyone perfect. I like
chipped teeth. Sometimes I made my girlfriend pretend to be spelling champ
Rebecca Sealfon in bed. She was dyslexic and always screwed things up. If
you were in bed with me, I'd ask you to spell "hardcore sluts send annoying
spam." No fair asking for the word origins.
Write back soon. I love hearing from you!
Your friend,
Carrie.