April 8, 2002

Today is the day to wonder when the Lindy Hop is going to come back in style

Daylight Savings Time. Huh. You know, I always mean to save my daylight but I always end up blowing it, usually on Friday nights. It's pretty irresponsible.

Well, aren't you glad to know me! I've been nominated for yet another Opium Magazine Award! I hope that Julia Roberts will shower me with kisses if I win. This one is for poetry, my little ditty called "Occupational Haikus," but I think you should check out all the nominations, so that you have a full appreciation for what I'm up against.

So today begins one of the two most painful days of the year for me. For the sake of loving to see my name on the Internet, I'm going to review something called The Hollywood Diet for Flak magazine. See, basically what you do is drink this orange-colored juice for two days straight and you can lose up to 10 pounds in two days! The magic happens when you realize that you're not eating anything at all. Trust me, this is for journalism, not for personal gain, because, well, because eating is a lot of fun. The kicker is that while you're not eating, you're not supposed to drink caffeine, alcohol, or partake of nicotine either. Which makes me wonder: what the hell am I supposed to do the whole time? So I've come up with some ways to distract myself meanwhile, like:

-Carve the Taj Mahal out of butter
-Go to work
-Teach my dog how to say "Haverford"
-Plug something into every electrical socket in the house to make sure they all still work.
-Start smoking crack.
-Give myself an entire new physical and personality makeover so that Wednesday I can dramatically announce, "Look out world: the new Claire is here!"

So we'll see what happens! I can't wait to dramatically lose 10 pounds in two days, and then dramatically gain ten pounds in one day! It'll be fun!