MARCH 18, 2002

Today is the day to try not to think about all the chapstick you've eaten during your lifetime.

If you don't know what I look like and you'd like to see a sort of blurry version of myself (thanks to my skills at taking my own picture), check out the contributors section at Whetmag.Have you ever noticed how writers always have to have funky pictures of themselves for books and magazines and whatnot? That's basically why I became a writer. Here's why:

Photo Opt

I do not take good photos, and it is a sad thing, because I enjoy being photographed. Not in a conceited way, but I lack the modesty and shyness to be one of those people who instinctively ducks away from the flashbulb. Only if I look really bad, and I know there is absolutely no chance of me looking good, do I bow out. This is vain, I know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that most people are the same. I suppose I like to know documentation of my physical existence exists. I also keep hoping that one day I'll start looking really good in photographs, the same way I hope one day pimples will cease to appear on my face. So far, either day has yet to arrive.

Of all the photos taken of me in my lifetime, I'd say that 50% are okay, Tolerable, but a stranger wouldn't look at it and say "Wow, she's hot!"

25% are downright tear-into-tiny-pieces, burn-the-doubles, never-show-anyone ugly. This was the case with my last drivers' license, where I was in a bad mood, broken out, and winter pale, literally, worse than any other license in history. I looked like an angry stoner, if there is such a thing. That's why my current driver's license has me looking beauty-pageant fierce, "I will look good for this picture, god damn it!" After all, this was the license I would own as I turned 21, obliged to flash it often at bars with that gleeful "I can drink legally and it's still obviously a novelty" smirk.

The remaining 25% are good photos, but they're still nothing I would send to John Casablancas as a head shot.

There are a few things wrong with my posing abilities. One is that I simply do not possess a good picture smile. Hardly anybody smiles the same in photographs as they do in real life, but most people are not told that their picture-smile is 'dumb' or 'scary.' I try to spread my lips and show my teeth, but I am told that it looks more like a grimace than a happy-go-lucky grin. If I try smile with my lips closed, I look sulky, instead of mysterious, which is what I'm going for with that method.

Another issue I have is something called "flashbulb-related narcolepsy." That means in many pictures, one of my eyes is closed, or halfway closed. Thus, if you judged me solely by photographs of me, you would assume that I was drunk the majority of the time. Not happy drunk, but stupid drunk; the kind of person that makes it a point to drink on an empty stomach, drink beer before liquor and finish the night with shots and Long Island Iced Teas, crash on your new futon, throw up on it, and leave without cleaning it up. Add the eye problem with the closed-lip smile, and I begin to look like I've got an extra chromosome or two.

What else? It doesn't hurt that I delude myself by assuming a facial expression in the mirror that I never present in real life. The me in the mirror is perpetually ironic, mysterious, and clever, with wide eyes, raised eyebrows and full lips. This doesn't materialize in photos, and, for some reason, I am perpetually surprised. I do not know how to strike flattering poses. Either I look stiff, or simply ridiculous. When I try to pose so I look good, it's obvious in the photo that I am trying too hard, like an overweight woman wearing a swimsuit with a skirt on it. It also doesn't help that almost all my friends are extremely photogenic, so even if I do take a good photo, I still look like crap next to them.

I know what I would like to look like in photographs. In my 'serious' photos, I would appear friendly, approachable, not necessarily a party girl but definitely a girl you'd like to sit down and talk with. A girl who would make you laugh but is not a clown. The kind of girl you'd unexpectedly stay up late talking to.

In the fun photos, I would simply look like a good time. These photos probably wouldn't convey much personality, but they are very specific-looking. No matter how I contorted myself into a silly pose, I would still look slim. No matter what goofy expression my face twisted into, you could still tell I was a good-looking girl. The viewer would see the "fun me" and wish that they had been at whatever good-time scenario I was attending at the time.

Alas, it is not so.

Thus far, I have had my photograph on the Internet three times. One was actually a cute photo of me, but this was from my high school newspaper, and the site is now defunct.

The second was of the predictably 'okay' types, not horrible, but not good enough for me to show it to people, recommend people who don't know what I actually look like to check it out: it's not a bad photo, but I've got the grimace smile. This accompanied a column I wrote for my college newspaper, so a few thousand people probably think of me as the sarcastic girl who doesn't know how to smile.

The last I found by accident. A high school friend had published some old photos on the Net, and of course it exemplifies the sleepy eyes, the sulky smile and the unflattering pose. (Drunk again, Claire?) Search my name on any engine and it may come up. I beg you not to look at it.

I've thought about starting my own web site, along with flattering pictures of myself, just so if people chose to find what I looked like, they'd have a better idea than the unflattering portraits on the web. Unfortunately, I don't think that they would look at good to others as I would think. Freshman year of college my best friend had a photo of me on her dorm room wall, and a male acquaintance of hers remarked painfully, "She's, uh, relatively good-looking." Perhaps relativelygoodlooking.com could be my web site.

This is why I write, and do not model.