FEBRUARY 28, 2002

Today is the day to start composing your acceptance speech.

Whoah. I think I'd like to win a Grammy, everyone. Or an Oscar. Or a Golden Globe. Whatever. If you guys want to nominate me for Best New Artist, or Best Song/screenplay Yet to Be Written, I promise I'll thank you in my acceptance speech and hand out the freebies I get as a nominee. I think this can happen. I'll wear Harry Winston jewels and finally tell off Joan Rivers for once and for all. Her eyes will melt like the bad guy's in the first Indiana Jones movie.

On that musical note, why does The Edge from U2 always wear a hat? Is he cold? Is he bald? He shouldn't worry. Bald is sexy. Bald is rebellious. Bald is intelligent. Think Michael Jordan, Bruce Willis, Edward J. Zulkey. Take that hat off, The Edge! Speaking of which, there is a funny piece on Flak about musical fan fiction right now. We should all write some.

Okay, I didn't really watch the Grammys. I was out and then I watched "Law and Order," which was a spooky one about the lack of privacy on the Internet (or, as one of the clients of my advertising firm would call it, the "Inter-Net.") According to the episode, anybody can find out anything about you that they want. But I don't believe in secrecy et al, so I'll leave it out in the open. My various email addresses are: hottie_claire@marykateandashleyolsen.com, salsamachine@aol.com and of course, fake@fakemail.com My various passwords are "mrs.hartnett" "gothqueen" and "claire." Have at it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

For those of you in Chicago, this evening around 6 p.m. tune into NPR at 91.5 FM: our very own Nathan Rabin, along with the Onion AV Club crew will be on "All Things Considered." I am not 100% sure my information is correct but it was worth a shot. If you're not in Chicago I think you can even listen to it online.

I got some great stories on the possible origins of ye olde kangaroo, so please, keep them coming. Next week I will have a kangaroo story extravaganza and if you represent, then the more fabulous you will be.