Steps for canonization at my house

fattysaint.jpgEvery day for 365 days the candidate must:

  • Walk and feed yonder dog three times a day, brush his teeth and clean up any hunger or food-related vomit
  • Make the coffee each morn, and do so in a way that it does not spill onto the counter or floor
  • Ensure that the familial DVR is never more than 50% full but manage to do so without deleting any of the most cherished programs that have been on there for forever but that will still be watched, someday
  • Transport the annointed child to and from daycare, cleanse his holy butt, and, miracle of miracles, feed him nutritious foods in a way that does not elicit whining
  • Vanquish feline urine, vomit and poop
  • Heroically and virtuously empty the dishwasher after every feast day
  • Take the last gallon of gas in the tank, and let it multiply until it is full
  • Transference of clothing to the washer, dryer, and back again
  • Make the official bed and ensure the fluffiness of the duvet is evenly distributed

All this must be done without complaint, and without the candidate saying "I brushed the dog's teeth" (or what have thee) in a way that is obviously done to attract thanks (IE martyrdom.) At the end of the process, the newly-sainted will receive a hug and a kiss and the suggestion that if s/he is so good at being a saint, s/he should just continue performing saintly acts all the time.