How My First Return "Tonight Show" Monologue Would Go if I Were Jay Leno

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[Enter. Wait for applause to die down]

Thank you everybody, thank you. Well. Heh heh. This is awkward. [pause for laughs]

I can't lie, though, it sure feels comfortable No, seriously, thank you [longer wait for applause] I guess this is just how some things were meant to be [more applause] You have finally proven yourselves, audience, and I want to congratulate you on following me through thick and thin [applause]. I am just so humbly grateful that you have voted me your rightful king of late night.

So everyone else who's not watching or who is not hosting this show can go fuck themselves. Ooops, sorry NBC--what are you going to do about that--fire me? I'm back, bitches! I'm number 1! I'm number 1!

Now here are some clips of people being idiots on the street. Laugh at them, apes. You like that, don't you? Yes you do, so take your medicine, America--I know what's best for you.

We'll be right back with Anne Hathaway or some shit. I'm going to go buy 50 cars and guess what: you can't even look at 49 of them. Now bow down!