What is wrong with me?

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I signed up to run a 5K in a few weeks. I am not a natural runner--in fact, I'm quite the opposite, to the point where it feels weird and wrong for me to do it outside but nice and safe inside on the treadmill. I decided to make this a goal though after my wedding last year, when I was in pretty good physical shape so I wanted to give myself a reason not to let it all entirely go to pot. I still can't quite figure out however why some days I'll have a decent time doing it and I'll come out of it feeling good about myself, and others where I want to kill myself and everyone else around me. Here are some of the factors that decide a good vs. bad run:


Underwear: I'm not sure to this day why some sets of underwear ride while running and some don't and I think that sometimes it's not the underwear, it's the day. If it doesn't stay in place then I'm trying to fix it the whole time and I feel self-conscious and it sucks.

Stomach: This is very delicate and I haven't been able to figure out how to make this perfect. If I'm too hungry I'm tired but if I recently ate/drank then I get a cramp. And don't get me started on dealing with the food from the night before.

The sun: Last week I picked a treadmill that faced the window. Like an idiot I didn't realize that the sun was coming up. For some reason I stayed on that stupid thing for 40 minutes getting blinded rather than going to another machine.

Wrong shirt: sometimes I washed all my sleeveless shirts. Trying to keep a short sleeve rolled up while you run is annoying.

People next to me: you are not allowed to talk on your cell phone or to a friend or cough or sniff excessively. Weirdly I forgive farting however because I think it's kind of understandable.

Towels: I have to have a hand towel when I run. A washcloth is too small and a beach towel is like a joke.

Time: Sometimes it is so slow.


Caffeine: The more, the better. Can you use cocaine and exercise?

Music: It depends on how I feel but there's a part of a song by Girl Talk that samples the song "Club Action" which has girls chanting "F--- that s---, f--- that s---, f--- that s--- say f--- that s---!" and that is never a bad mantra for running.

Sports: A game I vaguely care about is great to watch while I run because five minutes in sports equals ten minutes at least in real life.

My trainer: I have a great personal trainer who sometimes will just tell me how to run although I learned I can't talk quite as much as I normally do or else she makes me run way faster than usual.

Not having to it the next day: the best motivation of all.