August 8, 2003

Today is the day to include lines from "Showgirls" in your wedding vows.

My friend Matt Tobey at Haypenny told me about this site Kittenpants over a year ago, and I checked it out. At first, I was delighted by the look of the site. Then, I was delighted by the comment. Funny, sharp stuff and fantastic interviews (and you know how I feel about interviews.) I finally got to meet the editor at Haypenny's One Year Anniversary Blowout Reading in Detroit. Darci and John Freeman read a piece on new shows for the upcoming television season ("Shirts and Pants," a new series by "Law and Order" producer Dick Wolf was my favorite) and got lost in downtown Detroit. Good times.

The Kittenpants/Darci Ratliff Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

I love the design on your site. It's got that Hello Kitty feel but without the 'ironic' Japanimation Urban Outfitters thing. Who designed it, and how did you come up with it?
My friend Carol Chapman designed it. She does almost all of my design, when she has time. But she's what I call a "design Nazi" in that she's extremely anal about me changing any tiny part of the design, so once I DO change anything, she doesn't necessarily want credit anymore. We once had a screaming argument for hours because I moved her toaster 2 inches. Apparently that was not where the toaster "goes".

I designed my own site for years, constantly changing and redesigning and saying "what do you think of this?" until I finally registered an official URL and handed the design over to Carol. I think I told her "pink" and she came up with the rest.

Was this originally your design?
No. I hate when I Google "kittenpants" and that comes up.

Why is it kittenpants.org, and not .net, .com, .edu, etc?
It was originally kitten-pants.com (because "kittenpants.com" was taken). Then the host I used totally f*cked me and I couldn't even get my name back and I changed everything over to ".org". It was a big nightmare.

So far none of my answers have been the least bit interesting.

Here come about nine thousand questions about your interviews. Be warned. Who are you still dying to interview?
Keith Gordon. Clint Howard. Elvis Costello. Lenny Von Dohlen. Several thousand more people who I think are cool, and anyone who I think is hot. I just got an interview with Calvin Johnson that I've been trying to get forever - that's pretty exciting. I'd like to interview Ween and Bud Cort and Wes Anderson and all of the Culkins and Grimace and Mary Woronov and ELO and Mushmouth from "Fat Albert" and most of the Kids in the Hall, and Kurt Vonnegut and the guy that played Willow. Warwick Davis. And Bob Odenkirk. And I'd like DEVO to answer the rest of my questions someday.

Which have been some of your favorite interviews?
You know how when you first start having sex, you think each new person is the best sex you've ever had, when really it's just that you are figuring stuff out and that's what's making it better? It was kind of like that at first. The first time, I was really excited just to get an interview (also sex). High points have been Bruce Campbell, David Cross, Wain and Showalter, Sparks, and John Flansburgh, (none of whom I have had sex with), not just because I am a fan, but because they have brought tons of people to the site. I am also pretty proud to have interviewed Eddie Deezen, although no one ever seems to notice. And my interview with Double Dong + Wyld Lixx, has brought me new friends and collaborators, which is really great. In general, I am pretty happy anytime I get an interview (or sex) because I mostly only ask people I really like. Mostly…

Say you, um, run a small website and are interested in interviewing people. What secrets can you share about scoring interviewees?
I started out interviewing people who had their own websites--people you could contact directly, who would answer their own fan mail (Joe Bob Briggs and Bruce Campbell). Then I moved into the city and started meeting people in person. I always get right to the point, give them a card, and ask for an email address.

My advice is to be resourceful, and not afraid to ask anyone. I still get nervous. It took me like 20 minutes to approach Andy Richter and he was one of the nicest people I have ever met. I still haven't managed to ask Janeane Garafolo and I've stood next to her about 500 times. (For the record, she is 6 inches tall. I can put her in my pocket.)

It also helps if you are willing to suck cocks. I mean, I haven't had to yet, but I might, and I think people can sense that about me.

And how do you usually conduct them?
I have always conducted interviews via email. People are usually more open to that idea - they don't have to schedule time to sit down with me and they can take some time to come up with good responses. Also I don't have to record a conversation and transcribe it later…it's easier.

I can't believe you interviewed somebody from DeGrassi High. When did you watch it? Which was your favorite episode?
I actually started watching it when it was called DeGrassi Jr. High. I liked all the episodes about Zit Remedy and I liked when Claude committed suicide. I hated the twins, and for some reason Tessa really bothered me, too. Pat (Joey) was a really great interview and inspired the Degrassi-themed issue.

You interview some unusual people/groups, like the gay metal band "Pink Stëël." How do you find these folks?
I met Pink Stëël at a show that Cathy Cervenka puts together every Valentine's Day called Love Bites. They performed and I knew instantly they'd make a great interview. They are really funny and sweet and talented.

I meet a lot of potential interviews at shows around the city. Sometimes it's an accident, and sometimes I go to a show when I know someone will be there that I want to meet.

Is Friendster actually a useful networking tool or is it just a way to waste time online?
First I thought it was a ridiculous loser website. It may still be, but it is an extremely addictive time-waster for someone with a day job and a DSL connection. I have now gotten 2 interviews through Friendster, as well as some new kittenpants subscribers, so I suppose it can actually be a benefit. At least that's what I tell myself when I log on…

If somebody's going to submit to Kittenpants, what would you encourage/discourage?
I would encourage shorter rather than longer. I would encourage patience because I often don't read them right away. I would encourage that you interview JM J Bullock and let me reprint it.

I would rather have a "positive" article that is obviously sarcastic, than a "negative" article. It's just too easy to berate things outright, and is not usually funny. I mean, it's funnier to say, "That guy is awesome and I hope he never gets cancer," than it is to say "That guy sucks."

Do you have a day job? What is it?
I am a Database Applications Administrator for a stock photography agency.

BOO-YAH!!

If you could do one thing full time, what would it be?
I'd like to do lots of things. I'd like to work on kittenpants full time. I'd like to work on more films and more TV shows. I want to make more underpants and CDs and sell them to lots of people. I'd like to put on more shows. I'd like to own my own bar.

I've been thinking about how much I want to be the road manager for some band that I like. I want to organize other people's stuff and keep all their receipts and make sure they get places on time and make sure they get paid and drive a van and always have a backstage pass.

According to this, your apartment is a portal to interesting strangers. Who are some of your other encounters?
"Interesting" does not always mean good. I meet guys who want to "hang out" or "do fun" which is pretty creepy. I meet a lot of cute dogs. I meet a lot of people who want a cigarette.

I just read your interview with Dan Savage and I have to ask, what are the "Hot Carl" and the "Wet Franklin"?
The "Hot Carl" is about Saran Wrap and it's about poop and that's really all I want to say about that. Uncle Sloppy made up the term "Wet Franklin" and as far as I know it doesn't really exist. My friend Will just told me about the "Abe Lincoln" and that sounds pretty funny. Well, it's funny in theory. In reality I would imagine it's pretty fucking nasty. If you see me, you can ask me about it.

Tell us about Corn Mo. How did you get hooked up with him and why does he rock?
I met Corn Mo in college when he was still known as Jon Cunningham. He was the keyboard player in a band called The Dooms UK, which is one of the best art rock bands that ever was. He was a pretty quiet guy with short hair and glasses.

One day he told me he was playing a "Corn MO" show and I said "What the Hell is a Corn MO show?" and apparently he had been working on this other project for some time and I had no idea. So I went to see "Corn MO and Mauve Oed" and he's there with an accordion and he opens his mouth and out comes this voice that I've never heard and my jaw dropped and I said "Wha?" a lot and everyone else was all "Yeah, duh. It's Corn Mo. He rules."

He rocks because he is a really talented musician, and he chooses to play the accordion. He rocks because he can really belt that shit out, and his songwriting skills are amazing. He rocks because he's a little bit Freddy Mercury and a little bit Meatloaf and a little bit Vince Neil and yet there is no one like him and his style is really hard to describe. He rocks because he always puts me on "the list." And the best part is going to shows here and watching other peoples' jaws drop and saying to them, ""Yeah, duh. It's Corn Mo. He rules."

According to Punchline Magazine's "What If…?" feature, your ideal fantasy musical pairing would be Buddy Holly and Snoop Dogg doing "Ebony and Ivory." How do you imagine that'd go down?
That was my ideal live/dead fantasy combo. My ideal live/live fantasy combo is Tom Waits and Jennifer Love Hewitt singing "The Candy Man."

Which one would utter the famous Phil-Hartman-as-Frank-Sinatra-to-Billy-Idol line, "I got chunks of people like you in my stool"?
I think any "Ebony and Ivory" cover would have to include the famous Piscopo/Murphy line "I am black and you are white/You are blind as a bat and I have sight/Life's an Eskimo Pie, let's take a bite."

What's the best thing you've recently read?
My answer to question 16. Seriously.

Also, I read Wigfield, and that was pretty funny.

What's the worst thing you've recently read?
I read "The Informers" by Bret Easton Ellis the other day. My roommate had it on his shelf and I needed something to read. It was no better or worse than any of his other books. In fact, it was pretty much the same.

How does it feel to be the 62nd person interviewed for Zulkey.com.?
It's the 62nd-best thing I've ever done. The other 61 best things I've ever done:
1. Bought that WEEN country album
2. Won 7th place in a pinball tournament.
3. Went on tour with Corn MO
4. The dream I had about Joey Ramone and bees
5. Memorized the lyrics to "Baby Got Back"
6. Purchased SHORT CIRCUIT and TRIUMPH OF THE WILL at the same time.
7. Learned how to play "House of the Risin' Sun" on guitar
8. Met David Blaine
9. Got the "Egg Wave" and now I no longer have to settle for messy, greasy pans, or unhealthy sweets for breakfast
10. The hot dog tattoo on my right shoulder
11. Downloaded the POLTERGEIST theme for my cell phone
12. Turned down the role of "Chandler" on FRIENDS.
13. Got a photo credit in JANE magazine (9/03 issue)
14. Remembered my Metro card this morning
15. Named my cat Charlie Alpha Tango, instead of Superman Ratliff
16. Made up a roller skating routine to "Footloose".
17. Watched TEEN WOLF 42 times in the summer of 1986
18. Have never shit in a hamper.
19. Do not pay too much for long distance
20. Once had Paul Stanley leave my outgoing phone message
21. Said "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" to my parents without getting in trouble
22. Learned how to drive
23. Voted for Clinton. Twice.
24. Started eating meat again.
25. Had a "pathetic geek story" turned into a comic strip in The Onion.
26. Won 2nd place in a beauty pageant (every time I play Monopoly)
27. Built a robot out of old stereo parts and an already working robot
28. Took that photo of Bush streaking the Alien hangar at Area 51
29. Got this lousy T-shirt (and nothing else)
30. Served ice cream to Sonny Bono
31. Finally got "Lukenbach, Texas" out of my head.
32. Got "organizized"
33. Was published on Modern Humorist (celebrity knock knock jokes)
34. Met FOGHAT in a truck stop
35. Learned thirty-two new Velveeta recipes
36. Drank beer out of Jeff Sillie's shoe on a dare
37. Edited a movie called "Inbred and In Trouble"
38. Finally collected all 432 "Precious Moments"
39. Made a racist eat my scab
40. Survived the 60's (but can't remember them!)
41. Started a religious cult in the 4th grade.
42. Convinced my boss to let me buy silver binder clips instead of black ones
43. Prom
44. My mom made Shake n Bake, and I helped.
45. Got a DVD of CATCH ME IF YOU CAN from David Cross
46. The abortion ("bo-bo").
47. Made Chris Weber see JOHNNY MNEMONIC on opening day
48. Created kittenpants
49. Learned to surf
50. Turned down the role of "Puck" on The Real World
51. Attended the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta
52. Ordered the "guaco loco" for dinner
53. I took college
54. Learned how to play "Afternoon Delight" on the flute
55. Hugged Jack Black
56. Participated in "Hands Across America"
57. Coined the phrase "You can put your boots in the oven but it don't make 'em biscuits."
58. Moved to NYC
59. Wrote a fan letter to John Schneider
60. Survived spinal menengitis.
61. Got lost in Detroit with Steve Delahoyde and Claire Zulkey

[Editor's note: After conducting this interview, I realized that Ms. Kittenpants was actually the 61st. But I didn't want to cut out part of this question, especially since is has to do with me. This is the most professinal solution I could think of.]