October 10, 2002

Today is the day to realize that you can't run for the position of First Lady.

Zulkey.com will be taking a holiday on Monday, to celebrate Columbus Day and trek to Washington DC, to see her favorite Law Student. Thus, you should take your sweet time savoring the interview with Dave Myers. He is a dude I met through Opium Magazine. He is a jack of many trades, not just as an author (another one? You may ask. Yes, get used to it.) but as the first professional actor I've ever met. He's also the second person I've met with a legitimate stage name. He's a really funny guy and worth getting to know. But when he gets famous, I'm ahead of you in the autograph line, got it?

The Dave Myers/ Eli Jones Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

Who am I talking to right now, Dave or Eli? How can one tell the difference between the two?
This is Dave. Eli doesn't talk much, because he thinks he's a model and usually has his jaw clenched, cheeks sucked in, lips pursed. He's damned good looking, but has the personality of someone who never existed before last May.

I have a question for Eli now…tell us something secret about Dave.
He's a raging alcoholic! Oh wait, something secret...He's pissed that I make more money than he does.

Dave, how did you happen to choose Eli Jones as your stage name?
I thought that I may need a new name before I joined SAG, but I wasn't sure. I tossed around a few ideas, David M. Myers, Evad Myers, Myers Davidoff, etc...but nothing really stood out like a new name altogether. I was reading something about Spike Jonze and thought that that was a cool-ass fake name. So I twisted it and came up with Eli Jones. Now people think I'm either Jewish, Amish, or Black. I get all the holidays off.

You recently filmed a commercial for Keystone beer. Was working on a beer commercial the rock n roll, chick-filled experience that we'd think it was?
Yes.

What exactly is method acting, and do you do it?
Method actors research the hell out of their characters and then do all the stuff their character does, so they will then have those memories to work from. If the character kills people, then I, as a method actor, must kill. If the character was a eunuch, then I, as a method actor, must castrate myself. Method actors are the type that insist you call them 'Henry the 8th' while they are drinking a Dr. Pepper in the cafeteria (if they are playing Henry the 8th...). I think that's pretty annoying, but it works wonders for some people.

Have you ever asked "Where's my motivation?" And what is an actor's motivation, anyway? Is it like the little ceramic statues that women in labor have to focus on?
An Actor's motivation is his trailer. When they say, "Where's my motivation?" they are really saying, "Where the hell is my trailer?" If I went to my trailer and found a ceramic statue in it's place, I'd be pretty sore. I mean, how can you have parties and give interviews in a statue?

You're another transplanted Midwesterner. Do you miss anything about Indiana other than the obvious snow and cold, that you can't get in California?
Yes, I miss all the fat chicks. Just kidding! There's fat chicks in California too.

Do you have any big famous actor friends out there in LA whose names you can drop? Or have you seen any of them just walking around? Or, have you seen any of them in movies lately?
I saw Chuck Norris in "Delta Force" - get this - last night!

Who was your favorite girl lawyer on "Law and Order," Jill Hennessey, Angie Harmon, that other brunette or that blonde?
I don't watch that show, but if Angie Harmon offered me a Glass-bottom Boat Ride, I'd probably say, 'yes.'

Tell us why we need to see "Crossing Jordan" in the near future.
I'm in it! I play the new roommate - the one that crosses Jordan. It's mainly me pissing her off and her trying to figure out creative ways to express her frustration with me. [Editor's Plug: Mr. Myers will be appearing in Episode 8 of "Crossing Jordan," which airs on NBC, Mondays 10/9 p.m.]

You've published stories on Opium Magazine. How did you come across this fine site?
I had just smoked the last of my redrock and was looking around online to see if I could score some more.

In addition to being known as "Eli Jones," you're also known as "Shave Dave." Please illuminate us.
When one of my friends first met me, I had a beard. A real beard, not a 'Penelope Cruz' beard. Then the next time he met me, I had shaved it. We also have about four 'Dave's in our group so - I became Shave Dave. Pretty boring, huh? Well, I also shave all my body hair off - making me look like that guy in "Powder". I swim fast, too.

Is it true that you're a dentist?
My original pitch for [my bio for Opium Magazine] was: "Dave Myers is still wondering how Mouth knew it was his quarter." Todd must have thought it was too obscure and instead decided to spread lies about me.

What is 'Shackey Sarafat?'
Shackey Sarafat is a derivative of Hackey Sack. The directions are simple and only two people are needed to play. First, get a lime from your lime tree. Any size will do, although the less leaves and branches still connected to it the better, as this adds drag and slows down game play. Put the lime on in the middle of the table. Now take your whiskey bottle (preferably plastic) and pour a glass for you and your opponent. Drink it and repeat. Talk about politics and the end of the world and how smart you are. Remind each other often that you are best of friends and that your brilliance is underpaid and underappreciated. After your equilibrium leaves you, find a large open area. Stand in this area with your feet spread apart for balance and the whiskey in your favorite drinking hand. Face your opponent and ask him if he wants to play Hackey Sack. Show him or her the lime and laugh. Your opponent will say 'Yes'. Throw the lime into the air at about forehead height. Do not move. When the lime falls to the floor, eye your opponent and say, 'Hmm. We didn't do anything.' Then, for wit, add 'Just like Yasser Arafat.' With the proper amount of whiskey in your system, this should sound like 'Jush like yammersarafat.' Laugh for a bit and then play a rousing match of Kitchen Ice Hockey until your roommate awakens and tells you to stop making so much fucking noise. Anyone who forgets to call in sick to work the next day loses.

An unnamed Dave Myers fan asks, "You're very flirty over Instant Messager…is flirting via Instant Messenger considered cheating?" Please give us your love advice.
Anything with an 'Instant Messager' sounds like cheating...but spelling mishaps aside, it only counts as cheating if one or both of you are naked. Since I am usually naked, the answer for that fan is: 'Yes, you are cheating...dirty slut.'

I Googled you and found this out about you:

(3/13/00) 74-year-old blues legend [Dave Myers] is recovering after having one of his legs amputated up to the knee due to complications from diabetes.

I'm very sorry to hear that. How is that going for you? And, do you prefer Fenders or Gibsons for playing your blues?
Thanks for asking. It's made that '3rd leg' joke a little more awkward. But when the bartender asks, "What'll it be?" I say "Pabst, Blue Ribbon beer."

As for the guitar - you can't go wrong with a Les Paul.

In your Opium story, "Some Things I'd Like to Explain, if Given the Chance", you wrote:

To the bum that I didn't give cigarettes to:
Come on...slaves? My family has never owned slaves. They're from Illinois - that's Abe Lincoln country. I told you I only had one smoke left.

Can you explain this even further?
No.

When actors get famous, they always talk about the goofy odd jobs they had to hold down while they were waiting to strike it rich. When that happens to you, which jobs will you talk about?
I trimmed Christmas Trees with a machete once, for two days. I made about a dollar an hour, because the pay was per tree. If that doesn't get Dave and Jay rolling, I don't know what will. Maybe the male prostituting.

How does it feel to be the 27th, and first professional actor, to be chosen for Zulkey.com?
Well, look at it this way: 2 + 7=9, and 9=3+3+3. Everyone knows that 333 + 333= 666, which is the mark on my license plates. The answer to your question: lonely.