The Lindsay Robertson Interview

August 23, 2002

Today is the day to save the best for last.

Ooh, Lindsay Robertson. She is so great. She's funny and witty and may we even say, cute. She was even in the Witness Protection Program. Oh wait: that was Liberace's son.Anyway. Here she is:

The Lindsay Robertson Interview: It Started Off Being Around 21 Questions or So But Then Things Started Getting Crazy

What is Lindsayism?
When I was a freshman in high school, some boys in my class started this list where they recorded all of the silly/gullible things I said in class. I would raise my hand and they would all look at each other, and then I would make my comment/ask my question and they would look at each other again and decide whether it was an official Lindsayism or not. I eventually became close friends with the main guy who did the list, and he gave it to me senior year. I still have it, and there are a lot of really stupid comments on it! Like, a guy told me his dad was an astronaut, and I believed him, and I also said something like "computers are stupid and if you think they are going to be the wave of the future, you're crazy."

What are some of the pros and cons of dating musicians? What is the average percent chance that they will write a song about you?

I guess the pros for me are that I'm seemingly only attracted to musicians. I think it's because music moves me more than any other art form. Kurt Vonnegut said "Music is proof of the existence of God." That sounds like just something you throw off, but if you really think about it, there may be no better proof. Except maybe those dogs that nurse orphaned kittens. But I'm not attracted to them. So I like musicians. As for songs, well, I just got one written for me this week, and I won't shut the f*ck up about it. I guess I just wanted to mention that a song was written about me this week. La de dah.

You may be the only person I know who's not related to me who actually invents your own jokes. Some of your favorites are the [OCCUPATIONs] do it [ADJECTIVE] (referring to coitus, I do believe.) What are some of your favorite original jokes of yours?
Wait, wait, wait, I didn't make up that joke-template. That's a white-trashy-Southern-bumper-sticker thing. But I do like to make them up, yes. Do you want to know my first joke ever? I made it up when I was five, and it sucks. Here it goes:
Q: "What's another name for lemon cake?"
A: "Sour Flour".

Now, make some of the occupation jokes about:
* Truck drivers
* Lighthouse keepers
* Xerox repairmen
* Dog groomers
* Television news anchors

No. What am I, your clown? The spirit isn't moving me. Ask me what I'm drinking.

"What are you drinking?"
Yellow Tail Shiraz. That's red wine from Australia. It's 9 bucks and good.
[Editor's note: Whenever you see the above quotations, you will know that this is Lindsay Robertson asking herself questions. Which we don't mind, but we thought you should know. We don't know why we are using the royal 'we,' since there is only one person ringlinging this circus.]

You're also not shy about creating pickup lines, such as "Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can tell my friends that a cute boy kissed me tonight?" AND: "Maybe it's all those green M & M's talking, but you're hot." What are some of your other favorite pickup lines, whether you've created them or not?
Hmmm, I think that's about it! I actually used the first one once, and it was 100% successful. But it was also completely off the cuff. I don't think there are any lines that would work on me. (Except: "Hi, my name is Fab Moretti. Would you like to to hang out with me, my bandmates, some Vicodin, and a Polaroid?")

In your blog, you describe yourself as "America's Sw**th**rt." What do you have to do to live up to that moniker?
The reason I picked that was because I had a joke where if I was ever accused of anything, like, I don't know, not refilling the Brita, I would say "but I'm America's Sweetheart!" as a way of defending myself. The reason I put the asterisks in is because on my site I write about dirty stuff, but I'm also sort of a prude. So it represents that dichotomy of the good girl with the dirty mind (see question 5). It's a nice archetype.

You used to work for the now-defunct magazine "Talk." Do you have any juicy gossip or tales from your interactions with celebrities?
Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft are wonderful people.
Chelsea Clinton smokes. Writer David Rakoff is so nice. To me, he was the biggest celebrity. Tina Brown is a charicture of herself.

In your "People I've Kissed" piece, you list that you've kissed in five public places. Are there any particular public places that you're still hoping to be caught kissing?

Um, I think I'm getting too old for PDA. But I do think it's sad that only 23 people know firsthand what a good kisser I am. That has nothing to do with the topic, does it? (Did I mention a song was written about me this week?)

You almost got that piece published at "Talk." Which magazines do you have secret dreams about writing for?
I have always dreamed of having a humorous anecdote published in Life In These United States in Reader's Digest.

If a glossy magazine did a cover feature on you, how would the lead sentence(s) go?
"We must apologize for our cover model. Due to the awful state of print media, we've had to cut costs, and Lindsay Robertson was willing to pay *us* to put her on there."

What are your thoughts on pro-anorexia websites? Are they simply f'ed up or do they express the truly sincere misunderstood philosophy of poor little skinny girls?
My first instinct when I viewed the photos of emaciated, diseased, dying people displayed as beauty symbols on pro-anorexia websites was "let 'em die, it's natural selection in action!" Actually, I kind of still feel that way. I have compassion for a person who has anorexia, but not a person who tries to drag other people (often 12 and 13 year olds) down with them. This page is as disgusting as anything I've ever seen. But, you know, free speech is good.

According to a piece you wrote for Nine Planets Magazine, you claim that you were once convinced that South Carolina is not allowed to vote in presidential elections, because they tried to secede from the Union again after the Civil War, and that you once convinced that same person that the bear in that French movie The Bear was actually a man in a bear suit, and that he was nominated for an Oscar. Do you have any other good tales of gullibility?

I think that what we call gullibility is often just open-mindedness and curiosity. There are so many things in the world that seem totally unbelivable, but are true. Gullibility is just wonder by another name, sometimes. I feel sorry for people who are never gullible. What is love, but gullibility with a hard-on? (I don't actually believe that, but it sounds neat)

Blogs are becoming very popular these days. Why should a personread yours as opposed to Joe Schmoe's?
Hmmm, they probably shouldn't. It's only interesting to me. Wait - are you talking about Joe of the Savannah Schmoes? His blog suuuuuuuckkks. Read mine instead.

Originally a Floridian, you are very pro-New York, and have even attempted, more than once, to persuade the editor of to join you there. Can you objectively name any reasons why one should not move to New York City?
If you're not cool as f**king sh*t you probably shouldn't move here 'cause you won't fit in. (What do you expect? You're talking to a card-carrying member of the Cult of New York, Brookln Sect, local # 11211. Join ussssss.)

You're a poet (and we didn't even know it):
I see you every day
walking down the hall
at home I can't help hoping
that maybe you would call.

Tell us about this scrap of verse, and what inspired it.

I wrote that in the seventh grade, for my Big Preteen Crush. I used to fantasize about going into his room with him and closing the door, and walking over and getting under the covers together. That was it. That was the fantasy. I didn't know what was supposed to happen next, because I had only seen PG movies!

If I were to pay you $30 to eat something, what are some things that would fall into that price range? (I, for the record, would eat most anything, although I don't think I could swallow a live goldfish for any price.)
That thing I wrote about eating stuff for money was a JOKE, Claire. I'm extremely picky about food. I don't eat any Chinese or Vietnamese food, ever, for example. They could put me on that show "Fear Factor" and make me quit the game just by bringing out escargot or pork rinds.

You wrote a very funny piece for your site about how your mom would fare as a sex columnist. How would she answer the following question, recently posted at Savage Love?
When I first starting dating my boyfriend, he told me he was a furry. I didn't have any idea what he meant, so he explained to me that he really wanted a costume that was basically paws, a tail, and maybe some other catlike features, and he wanted to have sex while wearing this costume.
I'm not a furry, but I would like to surprise him and try this out. I figured finding a costume online would be easy, but so far, all I can find are the type that look like high-school mascots, and this isn't what he's into. I shudder at the thought of pulling out my local yellow pages and trying to describe this to every person who does costume design in town. ("And you're going to do what with this costume?") Is there a place where other "furries" go to get their costumes online?
-Wannabe Furry In Colorado

My Mom's Advice: I'm not sure what your problem is, exactly, because I only got as far as the second sentence. He wants you to have sex with him and you're NOT MARRIED? Don't you realize that your virginity is a SPECIAL GIFT to your husband on your wedding night? Tell him the only costume you want to talk about is a wedding dress!

What are some of the dumbest arguments in which you've ever been involved?
In the seventh grade I got in an argument about whether it was DEM-i or de-MI Moore. I lost.

What's the best movie you've seen of late? What's the latest movie you've seen that you wish you could pay people NOT to see?
I absolutely can't shut up about Donnie Darko. The best movie I've seen this year was 24 Hour Party People I was not a fan of Mulholland Drive, and I secretly think that people who are are pretentious.
Wow, I'm listening to the new Pedro the Lion and I just heard a good line: "If you really want to make it/Then you must remember this:/If it isn't penetration/Then it isn't worth the kiss." I think it's like, *symbolic*.

You write and publish a lot of stuff that is personal to you. Have you ever written such a thing and regretted it later, whether it was too personal, you changed your mind about it, or you got a violent reaction against it?
I've regretted all of them, at one time or another. Sometimes I go back and read stuff I wrote, like, a year ago and I just shake my head. Other times, I'll read it when I'm depressed and it'll cheer me up. Nobody's ever had a violent reaction, because nobody cares that much. I was happier before people I knew read it and it was just anonymous. You can't go home again.

How does it feel to be the 21st person interviewed for, and in the select few to receive more than 20 questions?
I'm not done. Ask me what the single greatest act of civilization has been.

"What, in your opinion, is the single greatest act of civilization?"
"In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel.
Ask me what I just found out about the lead singer of NMH.
"What did you just find out about the lead singer of NMH?"
He lives in my neighborhood. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Ask me what idea is the single funniest idea in the world to me.

"What is the single funniest idea in the world to you?"
Oral Fisting.
Ask me about my love life.

"Tell me about your love life"
I do not discuss my private life with the media. This interview is OVER!