August 22, 2002

Today is the day to get up off of that thing.

Are you a snob? Do you hate snobs? You should read my review of Joseph Epstein's Snobbery, on Popmatters.

And now today I share with you something truly bizarre, and, I think, entertaining. I was sitting at the computer and, as sometimes happesn, I was solicited via Instant Message by a stranger who thought I was somebody else (somebody, apparently, named either Lizbeth or Shakira.) But see, the thing is, when I told her I wasn't somebody else, she didn't believe me. Anyway, I changed both our screennames to protect the innocent. I also present her online profile first so you can get some background on some of my statements to her. Enjoy. It is all real.

Profile:
Andrew fucking rules, he's got a big dick (and a big ass), and he's fucking good at playing the bass. Even though he sometimes treats me like shit, he's a cutie and I like him alot. He means ALOT to me. More than most of my friends, if that makes him happy, and More than my ex-boyfriends too, if that makes him happy too.

The Conversation:
MysteryGirl (3:39 PM): Lizbeth
ClaireZulkey (3:39 PM): no
ClaireZulkey (3:39 PM): although you're not the first to think so.
MysteryGirl (3:39 PM): oh
MysteryGirl (3:39 PM): who then?
ClaireZulkey (3:40 PM): Claire
MysteryGirl (3:40 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (3:40 PM): and I hear that Andrew rules
MysteryGirl (3:40 PM): tell her that mariapaz was on
MysteryGirl (3:40 PM): what???????
ClaireZulkey (3:40 PM): tell who that whose what was on?
MysteryGirl (3:40 PM): Liz that I was on
ClaireZulkey (3:41 PM): I don't know any Lisbeth
MysteryGirl (3:41 PM): oh hi lizbeth
MysteryGirl (3:41 PM): what's up
ClaireZulkey (3:41 PM): no
ClaireZulkey (3:41 PM): I'm not Lizbeth
ClaireZulkey (3:41 PM): I don't know Lizbeth
MysteryGirl (3:42 PM): riiight
MysteryGirl (3:42 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (3:42 PM): yup
ClaireZulkey (3:42 PM): is it true that andrew's good at playing the bass?
MysteryGirl (3:42 PM): shut up!!!!!
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): hmm, it's on your profile.
MysteryGirl (3:43 PM): I know
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): well
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): to recap
MysteryGirl (3:43 PM): nice profile
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): I'm not Lizbeth'
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): I don't know Lizbeth
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): and good day
MysteryGirl (3:43 PM): shakira?
ClaireZulkey (3:43 PM): thanks
MysteryGirl (3:43 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (3:44 PM): what's up?
ClaireZulkey (3:44 PM): yep.
MysteryGirl (3:44 PM): shakira
MysteryGirl (3:44 PM): lol
ClaireZulkey (3:44 PM): mm hm
MysteryGirl (3:44 PM): I heard you were still goign out with Jr
MysteryGirl (3:44 PM): true or false?
ClaireZulkey (3:44 PM): true, I can't deny it.
MysteryGirl (3:45 PM): tsk tsk tsk
ClaireZulkey (3:45 PM): yeah, I just can't help myself.
MysteryGirl (3:45 PM): cheating on antonio???
MysteryGirl (3:45 PM): lol
ClaireZulkey (3:45 PM): you'd better believe it.
MysteryGirl (3:45 PM): you are crazy
MysteryGirl (3:45 PM): but hey man
MysteryGirl (3:45 PM): long time no see
ClaireZulkey (3:45 PM): too true.
ClaireZulkey (3:46 PM): so what's new with you?
MysteryGirl (3:46 PM): I'm dating andrew...
MysteryGirl (3:46 PM): lol
ClaireZulkey (3:46 PM): no!
ClaireZulkey (3:46 PM): how's that going for you?
MysteryGirl (3:46 PM): good
MysteryGirl (3:46 PM): he's younger than I though
MysteryGirl (3:47 PM): but doesn't seem like it
ClaireZulkey (3:47 PM): how old is he again?
MysteryGirl (3:47 PM): he looks 17
MysteryGirl (3:47 PM): and acts 15
MysteryGirl (3:47 PM): but he;s 13
MysteryGirl (3:47 PM): 11 months younger
ClaireZulkey (3:47 PM): right
ClaireZulkey (3:47 PM): I heard that he has a good 401(k) though
MysteryGirl (3:48 PM): dick?
ClaireZulkey (3:48 PM): yeah.
ClaireZulkey (3:48 PM): and also that he's financiall sound.
ClaireZulkey (3:48 PM): excuse my spelling:
ClaireZulkey (3:48 PM): financially.
ClaireZulkey (3:48 PM): Although I prefer a guy who can drive.
ClaireZulkey (3:48 PM): a car.
MysteryGirl (3:49 PM): jr can?
ClaireZulkey (3:49 PM): He'd better, if he knows what's good for him.
MysteryGirl (3:49 PM): damn
MysteryGirl (3:49 PM): ok
MysteryGirl (3:49 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (3:50 PM): well, yeah andrew's just a really sweet guy
ClaireZulkey (3:50 PM): good.
ClaireZulkey (3:50 PM): you should be treated right.
MysteryGirl (3:51 PM): at first I said I would never date some one my age or younger, just older. But it turned out the other way
MysteryGirl (3:51 PM): we had a huge fight on friday, but still, he's a sweetheart
ClaireZulkey (3:52 PM): what was the fight about?
ClaireZulkey (3:52 PM): did he leave the toilet seat up again?
MysteryGirl (3:52 PM): ha!
MysteryGirl (3:52 PM): no
MysteryGirl (3:52 PM): he was acting like an asshole to me
ClaireZulkey (3:52 PM): like how?
MysteryGirl (3:53 PM): he called me a dumbass
MysteryGirl (3:53 PM): and I got really upset
MysteryGirl (3:53 PM): and he was ignoring me
ClaireZulkey (3:53 PM): you shouldn't take that at all.
MysteryGirl (3:53 PM): he was being everythign a b/f shouldn't
MysteryGirl (3:53 PM): I know
ClaireZulkey (3:53 PM): especially because he's younger than you.
MysteryGirl (3:53 PM): that's why we faught
ClaireZulkey (3:54 PM): totally.
ClaireZulkey (3:54 PM): so did you make him apologize?
MysteryGirl (3:54 PM): he told me he loved me
MysteryGirl (3:54 PM): and couldn't afford to lose me
MysteryGirl (3:54 PM): that he would do whatever 4 me
ClaireZulkey (3:54 PM): well he'd better
MysteryGirl (3:54 PM): and if I didn't take him back he'll die
ClaireZulkey (3:54 PM): there are plenty of other 13-year-olds in the sea, and don't you know it
ClaireZulkey (3:54 PM): oh, please
ClaireZulkey (3:54 PM): he doesn't have to be such a drama queen
MysteryGirl (3:55 PM): he said he thougth I was flirting with some one else too
ClaireZulkey (3:55 PM): tell him to get a life
ClaireZulkey (3:55 PM): you're your own woman
ClaireZulkey (3:55 PM): you can do what you want
ClaireZulkey (3:55 PM): you're not married
ClaireZulkey (3:55 PM): ...or are you?
MysteryGirl (3:55 PM): so he said that he's heat was shattered all over the floor, and the little piece that was left there in his chest, was full of love 4 me
MysteryGirl (3:55 PM): nah
MysteryGirl (3:56 PM): and I wasn't flirtiign with him
ClaireZulkey (3:56 PM): well if he calls you names like that again, walk.
ClaireZulkey (3:56 PM): I bet you could even get a 14 year old if you wanted.
MysteryGirl (3:57 PM): yep
MysteryGirl (3:57 PM): well, he's changed since
ClaireZulkey (3:57 PM): good
MysteryGirl (3:57 PM): yep
MysteryGirl (3:57 PM): so
MysteryGirl (3:57 PM): how's life treating you?
ClaireZulkey (3:57 PM): prettygood, pretty good.
ClaireZulkey (3:57 PM): I'm tired, for no reason at all.
ClaireZulkey (3:57 PM): it's not like I had anything to do today.
MysteryGirl (3:59 PM): I might go visit andrew
ClaireZulkey (3:59 PM): wait: where is he?
MysteryGirl (4:00 PM): suburbs
MysteryGirl (4:00 PM): posen
ClaireZulkey (4:00 PM): oh right.
MysteryGirl (4:03 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (4:03 PM): so
MysteryGirl (4:03 PM): is ur man on?
ClaireZulkey (4:03 PM): not that I know of
ClaireZulkey (4:03 PM): although I have to tell you something
ClaireZulkey (4:03 PM): I'm actually dating somebody else
MysteryGirl (4:04 PM): who?
ClaireZulkey (4:04 PM): This guy Justin
ClaireZulkey (4:04 PM): he's MUCH older
MysteryGirl (4:04 PM): awesome
ClaireZulkey (4:04 PM): guess how old he is
MysteryGirl (4:04 PM): 20?
ClaireZulkey (4:04 PM): 23
MysteryGirl (4:05 PM): yuck
ClaireZulkey (4:05 PM): well, I don't like dating younger men
MysteryGirl (4:05 PM): I can see that
ClaireZulkey (4:05 PM): anything under 22 to me is weird.
MysteryGirl (4:05 PM): but why did you go to the extreme
MysteryGirl (4:05 PM): lol
ClaireZulkey (4:05 PM): well.
ClaireZulkey (4:05 PM): that's a good question
MysteryGirl (4:05 PM): and illegal
ClaireZulkey (4:05 PM): well, it's not illegal for me
MysteryGirl (4:06 PM): for like 100 of the 300 countries in this world yeah
ClaireZulkey (4:06 PM): yeah
ClaireZulkey (4:06 PM): but like I said before
ClaireZulkey (4:06 PM): I'm not lizbeth
ClaireZulkey (4:07 PM): so since I'm 23 as well it's no big deal.
MysteryGirl (4:07 PM): riiight
MysteryGirl (4:07 PM): shakira's 25
ClaireZulkey (4:07 PM): it's true!
MysteryGirl (4:07 PM): lol
ClaireZulkey (4:07 PM): the only things I"m not old enough to do yet are rent a car or run for president
MysteryGirl (4:07 PM): have you practiced your bellydancing?
MysteryGirl (4:07 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (4:07 PM): no, I have not, yet.
MysteryGirl (4:08 PM): damn
MysteryGirl (4:08 PM): you have to
ClaireZulkey (4:08 PM): I know
ClaireZulkey (4:08 PM): I will eventually
MysteryGirl (4:08 PM): good
ClaireZulkey (4:08 PM): after "American Idol"
MysteryGirl (4:08 PM): remember
MysteryGirl (4:08 PM): step and kick
ClaireZulkey (4:08 PM): how could I forget?
MysteryGirl (4:09 PM): good
ClaireZulkey (4:09 PM): and use yer belly
MysteryGirl (4:10 PM): yep
ClaireZulkey (4:10 PM): hold on a sec...
MysteryGirl (4:10 PM): remember, it's all on the legs and feet
MysteryGirl (4:10 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (4:12 PM): mm, chocolate.
MysteryGirl (4:15 PM): huh?
ClaireZulkey (4:15 PM): sorry, I was just going up to get a piece of chocolate.
MysteryGirl (4:16 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (4:16 PM): yeah
ClaireZulkey (4:16 PM): so what did you do today?
MysteryGirl (4:16 PM): nothing
ClaireZulkey (4:16 PM): better than nothing
ClaireZulkey (4:16 PM): oh wait
ClaireZulkey (4:16 PM): that was nothing!
ClaireZulkey (4:16 PM): ha ha!
MysteryGirl (4:19 PM): ha
MysteryGirl (4:19 PM): doek
ClaireZulkey (4:19 PM): did you just say 'dock'?
MysteryGirl (4:20 PM): dork
MysteryGirl (4:20 PM): sorry
ClaireZulkey (4:20 PM): no problem.
MysteryGirl (4:23 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (4:23 PM): so
ClaireZulkey (4:23 PM): yep
MysteryGirl (4:23 PM): what have you been up to?
ClaireZulkey (4:23 PM): well, today just working, pretty much
ClaireZulkey (4:23 PM): I saw David from the REal World New Orleans during lunchtime
ClaireZulkey (4:24 PM): and he didn't remember me at first, which made me realize how ridiculous it would be that he WOULD remember me.
ClaireZulkey (4:24 PM): since I met him once, like, 8 months ago.
ClaireZulkey (4:24 PM): but whatever, it was fun.
MysteryGirl (4:29 PM): awesome
ClaireZulkey (4:29 PM): yeah, just a day in the life.
MysteryGirl (4:31 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (4:31 PM): you met him?
ClaireZulkey (4:31 PM): oh yeah
MysteryGirl (4:31 PM): which one was david?
MysteryGirl (4:31 PM): the black guy?
ClaireZulkey (4:31 PM): after I met him at the party he called me the next weekend
ClaireZulkey (4:31 PM): yeah, the black guy
ClaireZulkey (4:31 PM): who sang
ClaireZulkey (4:31 PM): "Come on be my baby tonight"
MysteryGirl (4:31 PM): oh ok
ClaireZulkey (4:32 PM): yeah, he's cute
ClaireZulkey (4:33 PM): but he thinks he's the shit.
MysteryGirl (4:34 PM): you can tell
MysteryGirl (4:34 PM): he doesn't look nice
ClaireZulkey (4:34 PM): yeah well actually I never watched the show before
ClaireZulkey (4:34 PM): so I think that's why he liked me
ClaireZulkey (4:34 PM): I was kind of drunk and was being silly
ClaireZulkey (4:34 PM): "Ooh, you think you're so special because you're on the Real World, huh?"
MysteryGirl (4:36 PM): ha ha ha
ClaireZulkey (4:36 PM): right
MysteryGirl (4:36 PM): you were drunk?
ClaireZulkey (4:36 PM): yeah
ClaireZulkey (4:36 PM): don't worry, I was 22 at the time
ClaireZulkey (4:36 PM): before my birthday
MysteryGirl (4:36 PM): oh ok
ClaireZulkey (4:37 PM): anyway, I gotta go to a meeting
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): right now?
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): where?
ClaireZulkey (4:37 PM): although who schedules meetings at 4:30, Idon't nkow
ClaireZulkey (4:37 PM): right here in my office.
ClaireZulkey (4:37 PM): I'll be back later
ClaireZulkey (4:37 PM): or I'll just talk to you some other time.
ClaireZulkey (4:37 PM): bye..
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): bye shakire
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): shakira*
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): lol
MysteryGirl (4:37 PM): ttyl
ClaireZulkey (4:38 PM): bye now.
MysteryGirl (4:38 PM): bye
ClaireZulkey (4:45 PM): ok, that wasn't too bad
ClaireZulkey (4:46 PM): I'm back now
MysteryGirl (4:46 PM): ok
MysteryGirl (4:49 PM): lol
ClaireZulkey (4:49 PM): what's so funny? : )
MysteryGirl (4:50 PM): u
ClaireZulkey (4:51 PM): why?
ClaireZulkey (4:51 PM): I'm deadly serious
ClaireZulkey (4:51 PM): well, not deadly serious
ClaireZulkey (4:51 PM): but it was a short meeting after all.
MysteryGirl (4:51 PM): ok
ClaireZulkey (4:51 PM): yeah, I know, pretty hard to believe with this firm
ClaireZulkey (4:51 PM): but oh well. it's been a quiet day.
MysteryGirl (4:55 PM): gtg
ClaireZulkey (4:55 PM): okey doke
ClaireZulkey (4:55 PM): well it's been nice talking to you, whoever you are.