August 9, 2002

Today is the day to relax with a nice beer or ten.

Nathan Rabin and I put together a little piece at Modern Humorist about Anna Nicole Smith. It was hard, admittedly, to come up with ways to make fun of her, but we did it!

You know how I feel about "American Idol," so I would be remiss if I did not mention Kevin Fanning's ingenious site dedicated to the show.

And now, for today's interview. He ain't heavy, he's my brother. And the great thing is that he told me to 'do whatever I want' with his answers, which I did, using liberal familial familiarities.

The John, Better Known as "Jack" Zulkey Interview: Slightly Less Than Twenty Questions

You went to Airborne School last summer as part of your ROTC program. What are the best and worst parts of jumping out of a plane?
The best part is the falling- it's as close to flying as you'll ever come. The worst part is the landing. It tends to hurt.

Also regarding jumping out of planes: Why do people think that the joke "Why would you want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" is funny?
It's not- the Army makes you tell a lot of bad old jokes, proving that tradition is rarely what it's cracked up to be.

You recently had to expose yourself to teargas at Advanced Camp (but who hasn't?) Tell us what that was like.
Like a refreshing tropical breeze that burns your eyes and lungs out.

You are part of the 1% of the male population who took up martial arts in childhood and actually stuck with it, becoming a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. The question is: If you were attacked on the street, do you think you'd have the presence of mind to actually use it?
I always figured I'd roll up into a ball and sob until they turned their heads in disgust. Then, it's time to kick some back!

What's the most fun part of owning your own car? It's cleaning up the inside, isn't it?
It's whating who to the what now?

You spent a summer in Beijing. What were some elements of Chinese culture that struck you immediately? And how much taller were you than everybody else?
I was disappointed that they were taller than I expected (I thought I'd have to dribble a basketball everywhere I went) but I loved how many people went to the parks in the morning to practice kung fu and tai chi and let anyone follow along.

One Christmas, when you were about six, you opted to open your presents in your room, as opposed to around the Christmas tree, and then not tell anybody what you received. Why did you do this, and do you think that possibly this would be a good tradition for all families to begin?
I have no recollection of that incident, senator.
[Editor's note: Happily, the interviewee's mother, father and sister will recall it forever.]

Best soundtrack ever?
The Rock. Fantastic flick too.

You, like most Zulkeys of Evanston, spend a good deal of time on the Internet. What are some sites you can't go without checking?
I gotsta give a shout out to my peeps at 8-Bit Theater. Iit's a web comic honoring/satirizing the original Final Fantasy video game.

Which are your favorite Simpsons episodes?
Aside from the ones I've blatantly plagiarized in this interview, I'd have to say the one where Homer works for a James Bond villain and when Lisa gets braces.

Admittedly, your sister may turned you off from the Beatles from too much overplay. Are there any Beatles songs you enjoy?
...as opposed to just enough overplay? No, I hate those long-haired hippies.

You have also picked up some of the writing genes in the family. What are some writing projects that you'd like to accomplish in your life?
Screenplays, essays, manifestos...they're all good. Right now my friend and I are trying to write a sprite comic. Like 8-bit theater, they're tribute comics to old video games made by cutting and pasting the video game images.

You have tried your hand at writing screenplays. If you did do that and had all the money in the world to do so, where would it be shot and who would be in your cast?
I just want to write and sell them- let the producers worry about that stuff. I've written one about a peasant rebellion in China during the Opium Wars, and my buddy and I are trying to write an action film now.

You're going to be a senior at Davidson College. Looking back on high school (I know, it's painful), would you have done anything different, or just be content with how it went and even more content that it's over?
I loved being on the Cross Country Team, but I think it would have been fun to do gymnastics. Wouldn't it be cool to be able to do a back flip?

You have a lot of ties. Which are your favorites?
I've got like 4, but I guess the best of those is the one w/ all the chinese characters on it. They're probably all swear words, but it still looks cool.
[Editor's note: Upon perusal, the interview subject has at least 17 ties in his closet.]

You are a voracious reader and have been since you were young. Who were some of your favorite authors from when you were a kid?
From childhood? I guess Roald Dahl, Dr. Suess, and Dosteyevsky.
[Editor's note: The Zulkey children grew up in a Suess-free household. And, the interviewee was a gigantic fan of an author named John Bellairs, and even wrote him a letter. Furthermore, a postcard from said author resides on the interviewee's bulletin board, dated 10/20/89, reading in typewriting: "Dear Jack: The ideas for my books come from childhood memories and from books. Thanks for writing. You friend, John Bellairs."]

Which movies are you looking forward to more and why, "The Lord of the Rings" or more "Star Wars"?
Lord of the Rings- it doesn't have any Jar Jar Binks

Shauna McKenna, in the last interview, called Interviewee #20 a "sucka." Are you in any way a sucka?
I thought I was more of a punk than a sucka. No, I'm probably both.
[Editor's note: He is correct.]

Despite the potential of being a 'sucka,' how does it feel to be the 20th person to be interviewed for Zulkey.com?
I feel like the luckiest man in the world now that Lou Gehrig is dead.
[This is interesting (not to mention potentially insulting to sensitive Lou Gehrig fans,) because the interviewee was born almost exactly 40 years to the day after Lou Gehrig died. Oh well.]