August 8, 2002

Today is the day to go to bed early for once.

I was very excited last night because I realized that probably for the third time this year (out of what will turn out to be about 5, I garner), I have Long Nails.

Whether they admit it or not, Long Nails are a subconscious goal of a lot of women. Some go as far as to put stuff on them to make them grow. Others, such as me, rely on good luck for those times when all ten decide to stay on in some fashion.

Why Long Nails? They make your hands look pretty.

I don't have the best hands in the world. They're not Fat Hands, but they're not exactly highly developed. Maybe it's because I'm a bad knuckle-cracker but my fingers look a little stunted to me. And I always notice good hands. My friend Claire, for instance, has these perfect little soft white hands with shiny fingernails that grow naturally into baby ovals. And my friend Lauren has these amazing long, tapered fingers with deep nail beds (my unattainable goal: you can have long nails without actually having to grow them) that she can bed in lots of different ways. Better yet: her toes match.

But Long Nails make your hands look pretty.

Plus, they sort of give you a taste of what it's like to be a lady. I must be especially vigilant about getting my fingers trapped in zippers, pop can tops, in car doors, and my especially favorite, from banging and dragging against walls. I can drum my fingers on the table if I want and they'll make a sound. I can pretend to look shocked and put my hand to my mouth and it looks great. They're ideal for wearing rings. Last night I put this perfect color of light pink on them that makes them look like they're French Manicured on the cheap.

Of course, Long Nails can be a hindrance of course as well. Typing, one of the things I'm very good at, becomes a bit more difficult. I become a lot more scrutinizing about how they look and if they're doing ok.

I had fake acrylic nails for a time last year. They're fun but ultimately very tacky (sorry, J.Lo.) It's fun to hear their plasticky sound tap-tap-tapping away on hard surfaces and it's nice to know that for the most part, those suckers aren't going anywhere. But they're expensive to maintain, give your nails the consistency of wet paper, and make your fingers look decomposed if, god for bid, one should pop off.

And part of my respectful fear of Long Nails is that I don't want them to turn me into a psycho, constantly rubbing lotion into my hands, checking in on my cuticles, shreiking if I get a hangnail, asking people to open things for me. They can be pretty ridiculous. I don't want to have this develop into a 2-hour beauty regimen like Faye Dunaway had in "Mommy Dearest." I don't want to hate me because I'm beautiful.

These really look good, though, except for the middle finger on my left hand, though, which is slightly shorter than the rest because a tiny sliver of the end of the nail began wobbling off and I had to dispatch it before it drove me nuts. The left hand is still ok. But the right hand, the right hand is perfect.

See, Long Nails can make you psycho.

A gorgeous psycho.