Today is the day to wipe the earwigs off your pillow

Hear ye, hear ye, my traumatic and heralded review of the Hollywood Diet is now on Flak. Check it out and be horrified.

But moving on...

Without Matt Herlihy, there would be no Zulkey.com, and that's all there is about that. He is the editor of Sweet Fancy Moses, designer of this site, a supremely nice guy and a whole lot more. And without further ado, with much fanfare, here is the Matt Herlihy interview. If you don't read it, and read it in full, then I don't know what to do with you.

The Matt Herlihy Interview: No Less Than Twenty Questions

You're the editor of Sweet Fancy Moses, the Journal of Wit. What should a first-time reader expect to see there and what will they not see?
Expect to find what you cannot expect, and you shall find it-although by now I have made that your expectation, so you may find what I expect you expected I'd expect you to find.

Seriously, what was the question?

Off the top of your head, what are three pieces on SFM that encapsulate what it's all about?
I remember now: expectations. I'll tell you this much: don't expect the easy stuff: Viagra jokes, the Dancing Itos, Bertrand Russell in drag. We'll leave it where it belongs: commode stalls, late night television, and the linguistic philosophy tabloids.

As for picking three pieces, that's like asking me to choose which of my five hundred children I love the most. But hell, if George Foreman can do it, so can I.

"Following His Manners" is my all-time favorite, and not just because I believe Conor Lynch is one of the finest American writers working today. It's a tightly-wrought masterwork of character, plot, and pathos that also happens to be funny as hell.

Daria Mammel's "V Day" is another gem, a personal essay that hits the perfect tone and tells a compelling, unique story.
It also happens to feature Daria having a fair amount of sex with teenagers.

"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Brian Crowley is another SFM classic. It starts off as high concept entertainment, but keeps gaining steam and surprising you. By the end, it has the force of a train. Mr. Crowley has managed
to make that title his own, leaving Paul Simon with little more than floppy ears and a drawer full of bowties.

Those three pieces combine the essential elements of the SFM approach-craft, voice, and humor. They're so intelligently done, yet wildly entertaining to almost any audience.

As a footnote, I'd like to mention the three longer works we've presented in serial format on SFM: Matt Amati's Konstantinople, Jim Ruland's The Discovery of America, and The Dutchman, our current picaresque from Conor Lynch. Longer work is a tough sell online, and these men have risen to the challenge with uncommon panache, bringing the world a new kind of breakfast serial.

Those not in the know (and who haven't read your interview on Opium Magazine) might wonder: Why "Sweet Fancy Moses"? And were there any other titles you were seriously considering?
Opium is a magazine? Zuniga just said he wanted to do an opium interview, and I followed his instructions. Christ, there's a month in Bangkok I'll never get back.

"Seinfeld." I stole it from "Seinfeld." My second choice was "Bertrand Russell in Drag." But again, too easy. Plus, that's like letting Wittgenstein win.

What are some other literary or humor sites you
check compulsively?
To name a few: Fireland, Mecawilson, Serialtext, Opium, Dezmin, Choizilla, Zulkey, Flak, and Whet. And now and then I'll read old McSweeney's stuff from a couple of years ago, back when it was funny.

You recently got engaged. Do you have any plans laid down for the wedding ceremony yet? Vegas? Skydiving?
Stephanie has a Post-It note on her iMac that says "Get Married." At this point, that's the extent of our detailed plans. But now that we've moved cross-country, set up two businesses, opened an art gallery and acquired a new puppy in the span of five months, we're ready to start hashing out
the particulars.

Sweet Fancy Moses recently expanded into print, for the rather-intimidating subscription price of $50. Can you break down, price-wise, how this is actually a bargain?
If you're asking for numbers, let's talk sheer quantity. Beyond the advertisements and photos, the average magazine contains approximately nine hundred words. Each issue of our print quarterly contains some 176 pages, amounting to, like, several million words. I mean, seriously,
do the math.

Plus, most of our audience probably drinks through fifty bucks on a good morning.

Either way, you can put a price tag on mirth. That price is fifty American dollars.

On the subject of economics, why should one
pay $12 for a bottle of Chimay beer?
Aside from the obvious percentage-of-alcohol advantage (see Herlihy, "ChimayI? How the Trappists Trap Us and Ail Us with Ale", New England Journal of Medicine, January 2002), Chimay offers a smarter investment. When you buy domestic beer, your money goes to frippery: Dancing horses, bespectacled dogs that use "party" as a verb, and elaborately staged sporting events played entirely by helmeted bottles of said product. But choose Chimay and your money buys more Belgian monks to make more Chimay, while covering incidental costs like bottles and hairshirts.

To anybody considering contributing to Sweet Fancy Moses, three things: 1.) Do it. 2.) Matt is not afraid to say no if he doesn't feel it is right for SFM 3.) Matt is always kind enough to give you advice and encouragement, no matter what. On that longwinded note, Matt, what advice do you have for writers new to submitting online, or those not- so-new, but who have not met much success?
Ezra Pound may have said "Make it new," but I suggest you go further and make it better than Ezra. Write beyond your limits as an artist. Know your voice and challenge it. Don't make jokes- make literature. Also, make love and war, if
possible.

Here is the self-serving question. You've played a minor role in the existence of Zulkey.com, in that it was your idea and you designed it and helped me run it and all. How does it look to you now? Any visions of the future?
It looks dandy. Your dedication and winning personality shine through. Visions of the future include interactive fiction, tasteful nude photography, and hopefully, plenty of intrusive
opportunities to purchase small wireless cameras.

You're a musician and a music-lover. If you were to play (with a great backing-band) three songs in front of a loving audience, which would they be?
Again, that's like asking me to choose my favorite lowfat meals prepared on an indoor grill. But if George Foreman can, you know, choose among his children, I can do this.

"No Surprises" by Radiohead, "Born to Run," and
"Purple Rain."

Have you been working much on writing other than prose? Poetry, plays, screen? Will we see any of this in the future?
I'm sketching out a one man show based on my writings from the last two years. I'm outlining my next novel, which I've been taking notes on for five years. And I'm adapting my novel in progress, Pardon Me, into a screenplay for Scorcese. (Mr. Scorcese is not yet aware of this.)

You drive a Volkswagen Beetle. What color is it, and in what way are you a Volkwagen-y person?
It's black. And for me, it serves the original VW's purpose: to ensure cultural homogeny and distract the masses from a tyrannical leader.

Sweet Fancy Moses has now expanded into an artspace in its location in Morro Bay, CA. Obviously, you've gone mad with power and ambition. What will occur in the artspace, and what project will come next? A Sweet Fancy Moses restaurant?
The Art Space will feature fine art exhibits, live readings, acoustic music, writing workshops, and of course, the print quarterly. Its secrets are revealed here.

As for what's next, only time will tell. And money. Money will also tell.

Have you had any great ideas for stories recently that just didn't translate well once they were written out?
All the time. For instance, my oft-shelved Broadway musical "Mormania!"

Have you collaborated much with other writers? And, if you could write with any one author, living or not, who would it be?
I collaborate monthly with my army of assistants, who actually do all my writing for me under my name.

I also paint under the name "Thomas Kincade."

I would choose to collaborate with J.D. Salinger, if for no other reason than to force that cranky old bastard into the cultural spotlight we've kept warm for him all these years.

You've been working on a serial story called "Pardon Me." What is it about, and why did you choose to publish it at Serialtext?
It is a surreal tragicomedy about the last day of a death row inmate in 1953 Mississippi. I am publishing at Serialtext purely for the opportunity to ride the expansive coattails of the incomparable James Stegall. That and the hefty paychecks that only online publishing can provide.

You cruelly left your fans in Chicago for the sunny clime of California. Will you be embarking on a Sweet Fancy Moses tour in the near future to sate the Matt-Herlihy sized hole in our lives?
Yes. I'll be spending some time in my beloved New York City in July, and hopefully making stops in Chicago and throughout the West Coast shortly thereafter.

Do you miss anything about Chicago?
I love California like mad, but of course there are a few things I miss about the Big Windy. My family and friends, Bone Daddy, Brew and View, Wrigley Field, Hilary's Urban Eatery, and Toons all come to mind.

You've accomplished a whole hell of a lot before the age of thirty. Any goals for the next decade or so?
Definitely. Publish a book. Sell a screenplay. Get something on the stage. Travel the world. Smite terrorism. Defeat a Canadian at tennis. Start a family. And ultimately, divide my time between California and Manhattan, enjoying both the ying and yang of American existence.

How does it feel being the 9th person interviewed for Zulkey.com? Before you say it's insulting, remember, this is in no particular order.
I'm touched. The pitcher always bats ninth. And without a pitcher,baseball is little more than a bunch of guys spitting and scratching.