MARCH 15, 2002

Today is the day to eat a Cadbury Cream Egg if you haven't given up chocolate for Lent like jerk.

Even more reading material for you today. Thank Allah it's Friday, so that it'll stay up all weekend for you to enjoy it. First, make sure to check out the cool weblog at Flakmag called "Why They Hate Us," with some contributions by yours truly. You might find it funny, sad, and enlightening.

Secondly but most joyfully, today debuts the promised interview section, beginning with the comely Scott Cullen, not because of favoritism, mind you, but because of timeliness: it is none other than "I Hate Scott Cullen" week on Dezmin's Archives. Whether you choose to hate him yourself is your own decision. Scott also maintains a very productive sabbatical right in his parents' own home. You should check it out. And check this interview out! And have a great weekend! And have a great St. Patrick's Day, you green-beer-swilling fools! And...and...and...that's all.

The Scott Cullen Interview: Slightly Less than 20 Questions

Welcome back from sunny Florida. What were you doing there?
Planning to re-invade Cuba.

Did you feel guilty taking leave of your sabbatical?
Sabbatical is perfectly capable of going on the road. Sabbatical has already been all over the country. Sabbatical is hiding in your bathroom right now and you don't even know it.

To enlighten our readers who don’t know, what exactly is a sabbatical?
It is time taken to reflect, and do serious thinking and writing. At least, that's how Ph.D.'s treat it. Myself, I've been drinking beer and writing a bizarre little story about bumpkins in a provincial Connecticut town. But I'm not paying rent.

What makes a sabbatical a successful one?
Having everything paid for when you're done with it.

Who do you turn to as the ‘patron saint’ of the sabbatical?
Jesus Christ. Never worked a day in his life, sponged off his old man's Teamsters-supported carpentry gig and still came out on top. Happy Easter.

Why should more people consider moving back with their parents?
Like me, these "people" you speak of may have became alienated from the salient facts of their own shortcomings and weaknesses. No cure for that like moving back in with the folks.

Please explain the sinking ship motif on the sabbatical web site.
It's the perfect metaphor for whatever ails you. Also, the sinking of a ship is often an irreversable process. Gotta like that.

We’ve heard that you’re considering a career in law. Do you think that you’d like to be more of a “Law and Order” lawyer, an “Ally McBeal” lawyer, or some other kind?
I was thinking more William Jenings Bryan, in that I hate monkeys.

This week is “I Hate Scott Cullen” week at Dezmin. Why should we hate you, and how can we hate a person with a face like yours?
You should hate me for my flagrant disregard of nature's fragility. And if you have trouble hating a face like mine, imagine Count Chocula's face on my body and you should have no problem.

Why the obsession with Scott Cullen?
I am to narcissim what Madonna is to narcissim. If my mother can pull ittogther enough to detest me, you oughts be able to rally yourself to at least a mild disdain.

You’re a music fan. What albums do you currently consider absolutely necessary to somebody’s musical education?
Hmmmmm . . . . okay, here goes:

"Faithless Street" by Whiskeytown, a country music reclamation project that spins 21 beautiful yarns about heartbreak and alcohol. Also, its nice that an historical record exists of Ryan Adams before he became cute.

"Sweet Oblivion" by the Screaming Trees. The best Seattle Band you've only heard one song by. I'm not sure if I'm pissed they never got as famous as their peers, or if I think its a beatiful, prefect thing.

"London Calling" by the Clash. "The Only Band That Matters," and the album that sums up and justifies this assertion.

Who are the most overrated bands?
Creed is a giant stadium rock cliche and owners of any of their albums should feel abject shame.

Rap-metal blows. And I take that all the way back to Aerosmith attempting to revive their flagging, drug-rehabed careers on Run-DMC's coattails in 1986.

Remember when rap was about something other than money and $500 champagne? I do.

Who is the cutest musical group/artist?
Johnny Cash.

What’s your favorite Michael Jackson song?
"Police and Thieves"

What did you want to be when you grew up when you are a kid?
Adrock from the Beastie Boys

Why aren’t you that now?
My refusal to date actress Ione Skye.

Finally, how do you feel being the first person interviewed for Zulkey.com?
Itchy. Do you have any lotion?