Arriviste Press:

• Q&A With Arthur Bradford: "Misfits and Mad Grandmothers"
• "When Life is Art: Trigger Happy TV"

Barrelhouse Magazine: "The Tragedy of Karl Malone"

The Black Table:

• "Incoming! June 21, 2004."
• "Incoming! April 25, 2005."
• "The Week in Craig"
• "The Week in Craig: Dirty Slut Advice Club"
• "The Black List: A Random Review Of Everything, In Grade Form.
• "The Black List: The Redneck Revolution"
• "The Black List: I FeeL Pretty--At Least, I'd Like To"
• "The Black List: You Take the Good and Take the Bad"
• "The Black List: The Super-Boob Halftime Procrastination Spectacular"
• "The Black List: Can I Go Home Now?"
• "The Black List: Call in the Helper Monkeys!"
• "The Black List: Dishonor Roll"
• "The Black List: Houston, We Have an Irony"
• "The Black List: The Showgirls Epiphany"
• "We Want Matt Hooker For Governor Of California!"
• "A Super Waste Of Time? A Super Fun Thing To Watch? Five Women Wax Off On The Super Bowl"
• "In Celebration Of This Fine, Fine Day, Five Women Weigh In On What They Really Want For Valentine's Day -- Hard Liquor."
• " Springtime For Boobies! Our Panel Of Ladies Waxes Off On Breasts."
• "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. They're Hot For Teacher! Insert Solo Here."
• " These Ladies Don't Fear The Reaper: Girls On Death."
• "Our Ladies Reveal Their New Year's Resolutions -- For 2005."
• "Rooting For The Underdog: Women Wax Off On The Normal Guys Who Make 'Em Wild."
• "Leap Year: The Ladies Wax Off About What To Do With That Blasted Extra Day".
• "Springtime For Shithead: What Women Wish You'd Wear."
• "It's A Good Thing: Turn Offs That Turn The Ladies On."
• "Hot Town Summer In The Shitty: Girls On The Sunny Season."
• Waxing Off: Girls on the Sunny Season
• Incoming! Week of April 25, 2005
• Incoming! (Week of June 21, 2004)
• Waxing Off: What Women Wish You'd Wear
• Rooting for the Underdog: Waxing off on Unconventionally Hot Men
• Review: Handling Your Own Reviews on Amazon.com
• Waxing Off: I Don't Fear the Reaper. (Oh wait, that's a lie)
• Review: Celebrities Uncensored
• Review: The Paris Hilton Video
• "Black List: Tom's of Maine Deodorant"
• "We Want Matt Hooker For Governor of California!"
• "Waxing Off: Hot for Teacher"
• "The Black List: Brownie Bites and the UPS Store Signage"
• "The Black List: Ashton Kutcher's Hat"
• "The Black List: Atkins Advantage Bars"
• The Week in Craig's List (with Matt Tobey) Week of April 11
• "The Week in Craig" (Week Ending April 4, co-written by Matt Tobey)
• "Waxing Off: Springtime for Boobies"
• "In Celebration of This Fine, Fine Day, Five Women Weigh In ON What They Really Want for Valentine's Day--Hard Liquor" (hint: without me, there would be four women)
• "A Super Waste of Time? A Super Fun Thing to Watch? Five Women Wax Off on The Super Bowl"

CenterStage Chicago: "Things to Do in Chicago When You're Sober"

The Daily Beast:
"Dexter's Killer Season"

Dezmin's Archives:

• "Claire Zulkey: The Claire Zulkey Interview"
• "Employment Cover Letter from a Graduating College Senior"
• "Excerpts from Speeches I Have Prepared"
• "Hey Man"
• "Hybrid Word Fever"
• "My First Album"
• "My First Movie"
• "My First Season"
• "Prayer Cards and Hot Naked Action"
• "WFLD Fox 32's Lineup of Investigative Reports"
• "Words to Live By, According to Jim Croce"
• "Playing Like a Girl"

Flakmag:

• "Muscle Mania"
• "Queer Eye for the Straight Girl"
• Review of Unemployment
• September 11 Feature: "Memories and Memorials"
• "September 11: My Generation"
• "Snow in April."
• Review of Childhood, "The Ugly Years"
• "Amazing Sea-Monkeys"
• Weblog: "Why They Hate Us"

GhotiMag: "An Invitation"

Haypenny:

• "Earl, the Lonely Lighthouse Keeper, Goes on a Date"
• "Earl, the Lonely Lighthouse Keeper, Receives His Annual Report"
• "Gut"
• "How 'Bout These Kids?"
• "Waxing Philosophical"

The Huffington Post:

• American Idol: Why I Didn't Pick Pickler
• An Elegy For ElleGirl

Kittenpants: "Observations"

Knotmag.com:

• "Rock the Casbah with a Rock Hard Bod"
• "Until Finals Do We Part"
• "A Tale of Two Catholics": Week 1
• Week 2
• Week 3
• Week 4
• Week 5
• Week 6
• "Polite to the End, and Afterwards"
• "Post-College Cathies"

Knowumsayin'? (for some reason the links never printed out so you will have to fill in the blanks on some of these old pieces):

• "The Baseball Contraction"
• "Class Syllabus, Fall, 2002"
• "Living in a State of Alert"
• "Sarah Hughes"
• "Situation-Appropriate Mad Libs"
• "What to Do in Case I Go Missing"
• "You Say You Want a Revolution?"
• "Stupor Bowl"

Lost Brain: "Chantilly Lace: the Long Lost Lyrics, in their Entirety"

McSweeneys:
Reviews of New Food: "Cherimoya" (scroll down about halfway for it)

Mediabistro:

• Media bite: Land Grant College Review
• "What Would Tina Do?"

Meomore: "Fun Fun Fun"

Midnight Mind Magazine: "In Praise of the Hangover" (this might be the worst scan of all time)

Mississippi Review: "Blaming J.Lo" (in print only)

The Morning News:

• The Macca Attack
• Saturday Night Fever

NewCity Chicago:

• "Dog Days"
• "Beach Patrol"
• "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves"
• "E-vanston"

Opium Magazine:

• "The Disappointed"
• "How Each of the Products in My Shower Caddy Will Affect Our Relationship Dear Boy"
• "Occupational Haikus"
• "The Rules, II"
• "Seven Messes and How to Read Them"
• "Small Spaces: A Christmas Story"
• "Some Delayed Responses"
• "Taxicab Confession"
• "Things I Realize I Do Not Miss About College, In Outline Form"
• "Three Variations on My Day"
• "Torrefazione Peanut Butter Cookies"

Parenthetical Note: "On More Highly Evolved Teeth"

Professor Barnhardt's Journal:

• "Words of Wisdom"
• "Guilty Pleasures"
• "Why I Write"

Quality Lit: "Lesser-Known Drinking Games"

Reinventing the World:

• "A Petition for Truth"
• "References"

Sweet Fancy Moses:

• "Fat: the New Thin"
• "Hef and Me"
• "Please Help Us Forge the Illusion of Normalcy"
• "Tru Love"
• "What I'm Thankful For"

This is Grand: "Unrequited Love in the Morning"

Tribune Media Services (things I wrote about college whilst in college):

• "At William Woods U., It Pays to Play"
• "Clinton visit gets little attention from Italian town, students notice"
• "Economics text mixes fiction and instruction"
• "First lady keynote speaker at Georgetown University"
• "Fraternities across the U.S. forced to dry up their acts"
• "Georgetown students plan bike trip to fight pediatric AIDS "
• "Illini mascot debate rages on"
• "Search for slob yields winner"
• "Sesame Street's "Sunny Days" available at Georgetown"
• "Slaves to the web: students becoming web addicts"
• "Student's book mandatory reading at Western Carolina U"
• "Students urge officials to adopt a more strict code of conduct"
• "Thanksgiving abroad just not the same as turkey back home"
• "Go ahead do it: tell your parents you love them"
• "Studying abroad provides more truths than cliches"

Two Note Solo: "Beard"

Vista Magazine: "Tying a Tuscan Knot" (Fall 2000)

Ãœber:

• "Slut, Whore, or Lame-o?"
• Fan Fiction
• "New Internet Acronyms"
• "Either/Or"

Yankee Pot Roast: "The Gradual Decline of the "I Love the..." Sidebars

The Hoya: (college newspaper columns scanned awkwardly into PDFs)

• "Senior Job Hunt is Not as Glamorous As it Seems"
• "Politics Should Match Easygoing Nature of Subway Series"
• "Though Campuses Differ, Students Stay the Same"
• "Non Sono Americana"
• "'Hoya Saxa' Experiences Too Far Apart"
• "I Can't Believe We're Seniors!"
• "Veteran Senior Shares Experiences on Life as a Georgetown Hoya"
• "Two Semesters is Better than One"
• "Traveling Abroad with Parents"
• "Off the Beaten Path"
• "When in Rome Watch as the Americans Do?"
• "At Mama Rosa's in Italy, Bed Bugs Do Bite"