The World Wide Web is an ever-changing--and sometimes forgetful--beast. For every bit of content saved by the Wayback Machine, it seems like ten more items disappear into the ether(net). But as Martha Stewart would say, it's a good thing.
If you've been online for a good chunk of your life, your early online escapades likely include a few--thankfully--"broken links." My past includes a collection of e-mbarrassments.
In the late nineties while in college, I coded my very first personal web page, and its random contents included:- some scans from Mac Warehouse catalogs of their Pepsodent-smile operators,
- a link to the full script from the movie Heathers,
- an embedded wav file of my favorite line from Kindergarten Cop, and
- a call to action imploring visitors to sign-up for my favorite email distraction: a Jimi Hendrix listserv. (My .edu inbox history would reveal that I sent more emails to strangers debating Hendrix's best ballads than to profs about homework assignments.)
I'm not alone when it comes to having a weird online origin story. For instance, I'm certain that my little brother is glad no proof remains of his first AOL screen name: dammleegal. (Get it? If you don't, no worries. I'm pretty sure that it takes a martial arts-obsessed pre-teen brain to see that dammleegal is an amazing tribute to Jean-Claude van Damme, Bruce Lee, and Steven Seagal. You've got mail--hi-yah‽)
Though my first website and my brother's first screen name are long gone, some embarrassing Web-based artifacts from the pre-Facebook era still exist. If you're feeling nostalgic, Dipity.com has logged the most famous memes in a handy interactive chart.
Some cyber-treasures have been preserved in print. My friend Claire recently stumbled upon a copy of the book 500 of the World's Best Web Sites: Get Wise to the Web! (Lagoon Books, 2000) peacocking on top of a Tolstoy novel and other books nestled in a pile at her parental unit's house. Understandably, Claire couldn't resist checking it out from their library, and obviously I insisted that she let me that borrow it.
The compact guide is a dated list of all of the Web's must-see destinations around Y2K, aka the Internet dark ages when Neo was the world's most famous hacker, Napster pirates had yet to feel the wrath of Lars Ulrich, and Wikipedia was just an idea in the making. In case you've forgotten what it was like in 2000, the Web was such exciting place that this book's copyeditor thought it was necessary to leave all 277 exclamation points (!) used in its pages.
Some of the websites with the most mysterious URLs are no more (207.226.169.244/main.asp, createafart.com, and vcondom.com, why did you leave us?), but here's a rundown of some of those exciting websites listed in the out-of-print directory that remain:
p. 13
"Fans of the leather-clad, high-kicking princess will love this Xena bonanza--get the low-down on the stars and chat to other Lucy Lawless worshippers."
The website remains a robust archive of warrior princess awesomeness that includes imagery, sound clips, fan fiction, and more. I chatted with webmaster Tom Simpson via Twitter. The website isn't maintained any longer, but he is still supporting the online community of Xena fans by keeping this repository online. Simpson even hooked up around 50 lucky Xenites with custom @xenafan.com email addresses. Alalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaes!
p. 16
"The US gossip and celebrity magazine is now online! Find out who is dating who and what diet they are on!"
This screen-grab is legit, though if you doubt the image's authenticity I won't be offended. I also find it hard to believe that People used to exist without any Kardashian content.
p. 59
"Plug your details into the Death Clock, and let it tell you how long you've got to go!"
The Death Clock launched in 1998, and since then it's been serving up death data-driven actuarial porn while also acting as a morbid timewaster for goths. Over the years, the website has changed very little aesthetically even though my façade now features more obvious signs I'm growing closer to my last day. At least I can take superficial comfort in knowing that the Death Clock still predicts that many impertinent rogues--including Winona Ryder--will die before me.
p. 71
"How much belly-button fluff do you think one person can collect in a jar in a year? This site claims to show you the record-holder. Useful, eh?"
Australian librarian Graham Barker is still collecting lint and chronicling the results of his daily belly button digs. The record-breaking navel grazer has appeared on the Tonight Show along side Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kylie Minogue, and he's also been the subject several news stories, including a 2010 Today profile. Fascination with his peculiar harvesting hasn't waned over the years, even if Barker's got a rival on Reddit now.
Bonus trivia: The German word for fuzz in your navel isn't brutto (gross), it's bauchnabelfussel.
p. 151
"Riverdance for rodents! There's a whole screenful of the little critters, complete with catchy soundtrack!"
If you're looking for the original website, it went away but the original animated gifs who loved to boogie have been turned into a band of creepy Chipmunks-esque creatures named Hampton & the Hampsters. You can listen to their "fresh tracks" on their website, and if you like what you hear, they are shilling their Christmas songs on iTunes. Hampsterrific!
p. 234
"Chunky thighs? This shopping site contains a virtual model that can be personalized to fit your own shape and coloring--a great way to find out what really suits you before buying."
If you read between the puns, the guide's anonymous authors want you to know that Land's End circa 2000 wasn't just where you should go online for your polo buying needs. It was also where those gals with booties more like P. Diddy's sweetheart J. Lo than Johnny Depp's ex-gf Kate Moss could find "classics sized just for you." Alas, today ... the more things change, the more they stay the same.
 Joy Olivia Miller has previously written about celebrity Pinterest accounts and celebrity fan mail for this site, both topics that, like a Netscape Navigator from 2000, will never seem dated.