January: Fun New Year's Eve celebration with friends and family. How much you don't want to put on anything cute because you've been eating your way to this date since Thanksgiving and as much as you want to make a fresh start tomorrow morning, you know deep down you'll just be eating pancakes in your pajamas and watching TV all day so what's the point?

Feburary: Valentine's Day bouquet from your sweetheart. How much rage you feel at the photos other friends post of the flowers and diamonds their sweethearts bought them and then the spiral of cycling through anger towards your braggy friends, your cheapskate sweetheart, and your own selfish self.

March: St. Patrick's Day parade selfie. How much you realize you hate young people who can't hold their liquor and your realization that you still do a little bit of secret slut-shaming deep down in your soul despite how liberal you like to think you are.

April: Children in adorable Easter clothes. How much time you spent shopping for the adorable outfits and carefully ironing them in contrast to how quickly they were covered in melted chocolate eggs at 9 AM.

May: Cinco de Mayo margarita shot. How little you actually know about Cinco de Mayo.

June: Father's Day family shot: How you're okay with the father of your children going out to golf for a few hours but how you feel like this whole thing starts getting a little bit out of hand when he comes home to take a nap afterwards.

July: Flag photo: The fact that you threaten to permanently leave the country at least three days a week.

August: Summer fun photos. All the bees.

September: First day of school portrait. How difficult it was to get your child to wear something that doesn't feature a cartoon character on it and to force him or her to stand still and smile for the photo, and how by the end of it you were sort of secretly happy to let him go off to school for the day.

October: Pumpkin patch. The goddamn line of traffic you sat through to get to the pumpkin patch, the small fortune you paid to get in there, and all the idiots you had to wait to get out of the way so you could get one nice shot.

November: Thanksgiving turkey on a platter. How much you really don't like turkey that much.

December: Holiday card photo. All the work that went into choosing the handful of photos that make everyone in the family look good, only to realize that half of them are too low-res to work in your card layout, only to realize that after you finally made it work, your card order will cost $500, only to realize that you don't know why you do this anyway and maybe it's time to re-evaluate your vanity and your priorities.