I was reading Caitlin Boyle's blog when I saw this post she'd written about trying to cut down on her screen time. This is something that I contemplate every January, when I think about ways to improve my life, but I never quite live up to my plans. A big part of it (or "excuse," if you will), is that internetting is part of my job. I need it to find story ideas, to do research, to promote posts and interact with readers. Of course, I also use it to waste lots of time and then feel gross. It's also sometimes a source of light strife in my marriage--my husband sometimes chides me for checking my phone too much, and then I get mad at him for chiding me. So I figured I'd reach out to Caitlin, who is also a wife and mom in addition to being a blogger, to have a conversation about how much screen time is right--when you can't go cold turkey.

Zulkey.com (Claire): Setting aside your goals of being more in the moment for yourself, your husband and your kid, just as a blogger, how much online time do you feel like you are compelled to spend per day just to research, write, edit, post, and promote your work?

Healthy Tipping Point (Caitlin): This is always changing for me.  So, I'm currently a work-from-home mom.  In the past, I have worked up to 50 hours a week on my blogs, books, speaking events, and freelance writing projects. But when I had a child, I had to pull way back because we chose not to use outside childcare.  I dropped down to about 20 hours of work a week.  Now I'm pregnant (24 weeks!) with my second, and I am so exhausted most days that I can't keep my eyes open. I've chosen again to pull way back... I basically make myself work 2 hours a day on the weekdays and I do whatever I can do in that timeframe. I prioritize writing posts, approving comments, and working on my speaking business.  And sometimes I pop in later in the evening to do last-minute stuff, but most of my wasted time online in the evening is for personal/mind-numbing stuff.

Z: I don't happen to monitor my online time--maybe because it would be too depressing. I am one of those people who checks her phone pretty much first thing in the morning (including when I walk the dog) and maybe a bit during breakfast (although I try not to as much as I used to, since I frequently eat breakfast with the baby.) Then at work, aside from dayjob-related internetting, it's a struggle not to check Facebook or Twitter in between my tasks--I actually just installed AntiSocial so I can clear aside 60 social-media free minutes at a time. But I do need to spend some time on there to promote my blog posts and interact with readers. During lunch is when I read the blogs I have time to read. Where I want to cut the cord more is at the end of the day. Sometimes I'm successful, especially if I have my phone/laptop on another floor of the house. Other times, after Paul has gone to bed, I waste time checking online to see if anyone there is around to entertain me.

Where do you draw the line on what is good for your blog (interacting with commenters/readers, for instance) and perhaps "research" (reading other stories) and what is just crap? I always know when I have that "ugh" feeling--like when I've just picked up my phone minutes after checking it (and trolling through all my apps to look for something new.) Once in awhile I realize I've checked my phone from two different "stations": I was just on the couch and then minutes later I did it in the bathroom (I know, gross.) It's both convenient and yet difficult to define, as a writer/blogger, what counts as useful online time and what is wasteful, no?

HTP: I used to read a lot more blogs but now I read about 5 - 7 only.  I wish I had time to read more but I just don't.  I often have no idea about the 'big things' going on in the blogworld, which I always feel so bad about because it's my industry. To me, stuff like answering comments, responding to Instagram, promoting my stuff, and responding to emails is all "work" and most stuff beyond is unnecessary/just for fun. 

Actually, I guess when I said " I wish I had time to read more but I just don't. "  I really should've said "i wish I had more ENERGY to work but I just don't."  Hah. Because I certainly have the time - I'm burning it on lame stuff. But I don't have the mental energy (toddlers are exhausting - usually in a good way but still exhausting).

Z:  Totally. I take things to work with me to read anymore these days. I can't make myself sit and read a long thing at home. A whole other angle of it, of course, is trying not to let my son and internet use feed each other. Every now and then I think to myself, "Okay, am I really checking Instagram just to see who liked that picture of him?" If I am self-aware enough to know that, then I stay away. I wish I were that self-aware all the time.

Here's a question I always want to ask other lady bloggers: how does your husband feel about your online time? Has he ever given you crap about it? Or is he more online? My husband sometimes makes me feel like I'm his bad teenage daughter and is a little pointedly huffy when I'm online--which is fair, most of the time, but sometimes he's on his phone as well and I want to say "See me not judging you the way you judge me?"

HTP: My husband has never given me crap for being online a lot; he understands that it's work. Sometimes he teases me that my definition of work includes being on Instagram, but the truth is that it really does! And he also understands that I love to tune out with my phone - he does it, too. He reads sport forums as his wind-down before bed. Sometimes I want to nag him to put down the phone, but then I realize that I was doing the same thing 30 minutes before...

Z: Ha. And thus begins the nagging game--how much nagging is effective but not backfiring? You don't want him to turn to his sweet mistress the phone...

HTP: I recognize that my husband needs a tune-out opportunity and the phone is just his preferred choice. I understand, I use it to tune-out too. I can't bitch about how and when he tunes out because it's not like he's ignoring me or interrupting family time to scroll through is phone.

Z: Is your son Henry interested in the phone/ipad/computer very much yet? Paul doesn't watch much TV--usually just a little if I need to cut his nails or I'm just zonked. Sometimes we watch Youtube together--music videos or cute animals or various types of trucks. I think I've just lucked out in that we haven't let Paul touch any screens yet, so while he knows that I'm on mine, I don't think he knows yet how fun they can be. I've been 'saving' the iPad etc for when we take our first plane trip or something, but watch that backfire and he'll decide it's not as interesting as trying to stick his head down an airplane toilet....

We don't have any tablets and I have never showed Henry games on my phone.  I really do not want him to become a kid who is buried in electronics.  We watch an hour of TV a day (the same movie every day - it's maddening) but we have the TV in a separate room and it's never just "on" while he's hanging out during the day.  We use the iPhone for TV shows in "clutch" times like mid-meltdown in the car or at a quiet place where he really needs to stay calm (if nothing else is working; I try other stuff like books first).  But I definitely do not bust it out regularly and will never buy him a tablet.  I didn't let him watch TV at all until he was nearly one. I don't feel super strongly about no screen time, but I do really think he needs to have it limited. 

Z: It's probably impractical to think that our kids will grow up to be screen-free--what would you consider a happy medium between keeping Henry away from them completely and letting him have carte blanche when it comes to screens/the internet etc?

Also, what have your thoughts been about other parents who let their toddler-kids watch as much TV/use the IPad as much as they wish, etc? I have to say, sometimes I feel a little bit smug that my kid is a little bit more analog, but I also know that a.) That probably has more to do with him than with me and b.) I probably shouldn't gloat too soon. We have a long way ahead of us (and who knows, if we have another kid, or things get stressful for some reason, I may turn more towards electronic means of entertainment.)

HTP:  I think a happy medium is an hour a day, maybe two when he's a teen. I would just rather he fill his time with sports and books...

My thought is that you should never judge a parent by what their kid is doing in one moment. I am sure that some parents see me and Henry at a restaurant when I let him watch Thomas the Train on my iPhone as we're waiting for the food to be served and think that I let him watch the phone ALL THE TIME.  But I don't!  So I try not to judge other parents when I just see a peek of what they are doing.  Actually, I think that's a good philosophy in general. But in terms of hypothetical parents who really do let their kids watch as much TV/screen time as the kid wants, I think it's an adult decision that a kid shouldn't be making. To me, this is like letting your kid eat whatever they want for every meal. If it's up to the kid, they are going to pick Snickers bars and ice cream!  But as adults, we know that kids need guidance to make better choices. 

Z: Have your attempts to cut back on the phone use so far been fruitful?

HTP: It's been pretty good - I've had the most success so far in the morning- not reading right when I wake up.  That is pretty nice.  Reading a bright phone right away is icky. :( 

How's your quest going?

Z: Ha, that's a good question. I haven't really been trying very hard thus far--we have been going through house-buying madness the last 2 weeks so I wasn't being very hard on myself about...anything. I also  think I have a hard time just doing one thing at a time so last night I was watching this cool documentary about David Bowie but I kept picking up my phone because god forbid I just sit and watch the show. I also wish I could cut down on that instinct to look at my phone at any moment of "in-between" time: in line, waiting for the elevator, etc. But hey, now that this conversation is on the record I'll feel more inspired/shamed to make a conscious choice to cut the cord.