Here is what it sounds like when my son counts:

"Un. Two. Fee. Seven. Nine. Seven. Seven. Five!"

He's never going to get into college at this rate. And I have a sneaking suspicion I know what the root of his mathematical inability lies: this funked-up copy of Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Check it out:

It starts off fine:

Okay, here he goes:

All is well...

Now things go off the rails:

And now back to our regularly scheduled book:

Did you see? Thanks to this book, my son now thinks that five comes after three, that four comes after five, that Friday comes after Wednesday, and that Saturday comes after Thursday.

I honest to goodness just assumed for a long time that the book was somehow correct and I was probably suffering from some sort of postpartum dementia that prevented me from understanding why the book seemed so confusing. I've finally come to the conclusion that the book is a misprint. And that from now on, if my son ever brings home a bad grade, we have something to blame that is not any of us.