The following are things I advise new parents:

1.) Put three sets of crib sheets/waterproof sheets on the crib because when the baby pees or barfs the bed in the middle of the night, you can just tear off one layer and not struggle with the sheets (and it is a struggle) in the middle of the night.

2.) Implement cocktail hour at home. Once a day, sit your partner down with a drink and a nice little snack and just pretend for a little while that everything is normal.

3.) Buy a Nosefrida Snotsucker.

The Snotsucker is something that I put on and took off my baby registry numerous times. I put it on because, according to Amazon, it's a beloved, affordable product, but I couldn't get past the name. How could something called a Snotsucker not be disgusting? How could I let people looking at my registry think I was actually considering sucking snot?

But the first time my kid had a mucousy type of disease, I realized quickly that the bulb that they send you home with at the hospital is of no use. How can you tell that you're actually getting any boogs out? How can you tell that you're not accidentally sending some back in? I decided it was time to seriously suck some snot. Here is a handy video demonstrating how the Snotsucker works:

The first time I sucked, I was a believer, and I still am: after a week of living with a boogery child, it's time to officially spread the word. Some questions you may have about the NoseFrida Snotsucker include:

"Does your child actually allow you to do this?" Well, "allow" is a loose term. Do I think he enjoys having his snot sucked as much as he enjoys eating cookies? Probably not. But it actually doesn't take that long and if I use one arm to hold him still, the other hand is free to suck.

"Doesn't it feel like torture to do that to him?" No, not moreso than letting him walk around with a head full of mucous, anyway.

"Has he ever placed the snotsucker adorably near his own nose?" Yes.

"Is it disgusting yet satisfying to wash the 'payload' out of the tube"? You bet.

"Don't you sort of wish there was a way you could be snot-sucked yourself, particularly after catching the baby's cold after he coughed straight into your mouth for a week straight?" Yes, sort of. But then again, I know how to blow my own nose.