The studies have come in and all the researchers seem to agree: standing too much can be deadly to one's health. Sure, standing is fun, but too much of it can lead to deadly behavior like walking in front of cars, boarding planes that could be hijacked, or hiking in the woods where bears are prevalent. Standing is worse for your health than smoking a cigarette while you wait for your crack cocaine transaction to be completed. Before you become another victim, here are some ways you can avoid becoming a "stand potato":

• Do not give in to peer pressure. Sure, standing looks fun when all your colleagues are using their standing desks but they're just taking the easy way out. Enjoy the fact that you can look up their nostrils from your seat. Wear a hat so they cannot look down upon your scalp. That strips them of the only power they have.
  
  
• At work make sure your chair is on wheels so that you can scoot from meeting to meeting.
  
  
• If you must stand at any time, compensate by eating more carbohydrates.
  
  
• The key to health is not maintaining one position for too long. Make sure you spend fifteen minutes laying down for every hour of sitting.
  
  
• If you grabbed a seat on the bus or train and a person boards who seems like he or she may need the seat more than you do, look intently at your phone until they move away or you arrive at your destination.
  
  
• Do not check with your doctor before starting a sitting regime. Doctors as we all know are in the pocket of Big Stand.
  
  
• Do not purchase an amateur at-home catheter. This negates the respect the serious sitters have been trying to achieve. Simply limit the number of liquids you consume each day. Eventually you will not miss them.
  
  
• Whenever you drive somewhere, make sure you get a parking spot as close to the entrance as possible. If you cannot find one, go home and find what you need online and have it delivered to you.
  
  
• Instead of taking the stairs, lie down in the elevator.

Remember, America wasn't settled so that we would have to stand up all the time. Sit down for your rights!